Journal entry

I am not worthy to be loved. At least that is how I feel today. You see, I have an addiction to sexual fantasy/release. Not quite 24 hours ago I gave my wife a full disclosure to cut through the years of deception. I feel as if my attempt to break through the wall I had built around me out of shame has caused others to build isolation around me. Shame was and is the drive of my addiction. My guilt and lack of self-worth made me feel shame when I acted out. This made me do things to hide what I had done and thus more shame. Acting out was a way to relieve stress and feel validated. The problem was that it would build the shame higher.

Now I am isolated by myself, sleeping alone and fighting temptation and the devil in the dark alone. I do not have human physical attention for comfort. Instead I am crucified by the just scorn of my wife. I am however blessed by her great love. We are beginning a long road together of journeying back together. My suffering is a mercy from God, it is His mercy to strengthen me to be true to my calling.

Under the Mercy,

5-7-07