Journal 20070701

Tonight, I went to my weekly meeting. Tonight one of our members gave his first step. I know that this was hard for him to do. It took up most of the meeting and his recounting encompassed probably over 30 hand-written pages. This step was a recounting, a disclosure, of how life had become unmanageable by lust. It is amazing how deep his hurt had become. How much pain had he experienced in his life. How lust had overcome him. Many people I know and popular culture would have you think that all of these activities: pornography (still and video), fooling around, masturbation and yes even some people prostitution; are all perfectly normal and legitimate activites for people to partake in.

This realization hascome to me that those of us in the meeting are sexaholics. Just like those working steps in AA are alcoholics. Their are many people out their that are drunks that are not alcoolics, alcoholics go to meetings. Many people in our society are sex drunks, sex addicts, they just haven't admited that they have a problem. Their are people I know that sexual fulfillment is how they feel loved or how they find meaning in their life. They do not see the bigger purpose and that sexual fullfillment comes out of their intimacy with another. Being "intimate" isn't about laying someone down, spreading their legs and ravaging their body so that you have a pleasurable experience.

This is not to say that one can be in the fruits of intimacy in one moment and then something can change or happen that makes them begin to lust. I have had that experience and it was hard to surrender it. WIth his mercy and the true love of my wife I was able to get to that.
I love you, my dearling.

And to those out their struggling, keep coming back it works if you work it. And you are worth it.

Under the Mercy,
M

step+one 12+steps sexaholic sexaholism alcoholic journal lust intimacy

Journal 20071017

Sexual Emotions.

These are not emotions in the truest sense of the word emotion but are desires that can be triggers. In some way they are things that are out of control that sex addicts try to meet or find in lusting.

One of the hardest things about being a sex addict is that the ultimate expression of my addiction is something that is built into every human being. We are made as sexual creatures. Sex itself isn't the problem but misplaced driving forces behind it are the problem.

If I were an alcoholic I would be addicted to alcohol but the consumption of alcohol isn't coded into the very fact of humanity. Sexuality is coded into my very being. It is a strong power that God has given to us so that we can share our very being. It is so strong that it is designed to bring out new life in this world.

The "sexual emotions" are things that I mistake for true intimacy. Sexual intercourse, the marriage act, should be a fruit of intimacy (caring/giving/loving) my wife but I feel that at times my yearning is from these "sexual emotions". Maybe it would be better to call them sexualised desires, for that is what they really are. Emotionally, I have a need to be accepted, loved and wanted and that is a hard thing for me to deal with right now when my wife is sexually unavailable to me by her choice. I have assented to that choice intellectually but I also know that I desire her.

Earlier, I posted about my fear of having lust removed from my being. I wonder in some ways if what I was and still am holding onto is in some ways me wanting to retain my lust in a small way. I want my wife to desire to be with me, I want to feel accepted and loved by her. I wonder if that is in some ways lust. I already know the answer to that question. It is just another form of lust.

I am not saying that it is bad to be comforted by being accepted or to feel loved. What I am saying is that I have to surrender that feeling, that need so that it doesn't drive me. Otherwise, I will just end up lusting after the next fix.

My wife tld me the other night to stop pressuring her for sex. I didn't think I was doing that but now I see that I was. I wasn't telling her that I was struggling or needed her to keep from acting out but I asked her to make love with me. I was trying to have my desire to be loved, wanted or accepted fed.

I hate being abstinate with my wife when it is a choice and not for a "good reason" but I know that it is a good thing for me. It has given me a chance to dig deeper than I ever have before, it is boiling to the surface all the different ways that I have acted and the 'modes' of my addiction. I now know, by trusting in God, that I will not lose desire for my wife by the removal of lust from my being.

All of this is scary but it is making my life deeper and richer. I am understanding more about myself all the time. Eah step seems like it will kill or distort me but it is making me what I truly want. It is making me more and more who I am supposed to be.

I am grateful for my wife. I am grateful for the meeting I attended tonight and eceryone that was in attendance. K used the phrase "sexual emotions" in passing but God spoke it in my heart and it revealed something to me. God bless you. If you are reading this please say a prayer for me and please say one for my wife. Let us both find healing in ourselves and together.

Under the mercy.




sexaholic, sex addiction, abstinance, emotions, desire, lust

What is an addiction

I guess the first thing that I should write about is to tell you what having a sexual addiction means. In some ways this is a very hard thing to explain as most people don't understand this specific addiction, it makes them uncomfortable or they think that sex addicts are all child molesters.

The reality of sex addiction centers on behaviors related to lust and "acting out" in some way or ways very compulsively. This can be very 'innocent' such as being triggered to masturbate by the lingerie ads in the newspaper or more dangerous behaviors like trolling the streets for anonymous sexual encounters.

Their is a search for ever increasing highs, searching for the connection that will make you whole, the ultimate high. However, nothing fits the bill and the addict begins to deal with stress with fantasy and masturbation.

Becoming a disconnected love cripple is the next step on the journey. No longer are things sexual part of intimacy but they are merely a way to take from others. Intimacy becomes a long forgotten thing and lust is a way of living. Many times it is a double life that is hidden from those that appear to be close to us.

One thing that many people in twelve step programs will be familiar with is cross-addiction. The alcoholic can begin to turn to drugs or food for release as an outlet in place of or with their addiction to drugs or alcohol. In my journey to recovery with sex addiction I have found a pattern of sober alcoholics with periods of recovery that end up having to come back and work the twelve steps again as they find out that a more root addiction for them is sexaholism.

I think that part of this has to do with people being sexaholics, not realizing it, not finding meaning in their relatonships and then hitting the bars, drinking to spice things up on a night out and using alcohol to deal with the disconnect they feel from their spouse.

Sexaholics are all around us in this culture. Most people don't realize they are one. They are not just the perverts that molest children. They are people who have affairs, watch pornography, go to strip clubs, flirt inappropriately at work, stare at people at the swimming pool, or just fantasize in their mind and wish for some type of sexual connection that will make them whole.


If you have ever wondered if you might be a sex addict or don't know feel at peace with your sexuality, considering answering these questions for yourself.


Under the Mercy.