www.TrueKnights.org Purity News Archive

Monday, July 30, 2007

Nobody Knows it But Me

This song really speaks to me, and of course not the way the song was intended. As an addict, Nobody Knows it but Me, the outside not matching the inside. Below are the lyrics, with commentary from me and the actual song below so you can listen to the song if you would like.

Kevin Sharp - Nobody Knows it But Me Lyrics

I pretend that I'm glad you went away
But these four walls close in more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

The insides of ourselves never matches what we saw on the outsides of others. As an addict at times it feels as if part of you has gone away, either into hiding or that you have gone into hiding.

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

I want to be the happiest person in the world but I am in so much pain from guilt and shame on the inside. I am never truly happy while I am inside my addiction.

Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is a-tumblin' down
I can say it clearly but you're no where around

We never really want to share who we are because that would hurt too much, we push people away from us, not on purpose but we don't know how to relate. Our life has to become unmanageable in a way, then we are alone.

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Everything always seems in the past, the addict never lives in the present. We are sad and we do want to be better, the problem is that the only way we know to feel better makes it worse. Our drug, lust, is horrid.

How blue can I get you could ask my heart
Just like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words just couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I'll be loving you still

As an addict its hard to express myself, and I have done so much damage to myself, I know that I am here somewhere and I know what I truly need but I have to get outside of myself and that is very hard to do. Its painful to gut yourself (figuratively) and bring the inside out.

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

The nights are so lonely
The days are so sad I just keep thinking
About the love that we had
Nobody knows it but me

Life is hard but its harder when you are in your addiction. That is why I choose recovery.

Under the Mercy,
Keep coming back it works if you work it and you are worth it.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Of Late

Life has been hectic around the house. I was up late as I worked overtime last night. When I last entered into recovery I told my wife I would be accountable to her for my actions. This worked well for a time and I had measures in place. This is not an excuse but an accounting of what has happened recently.

Things have been pretty busy around here recently. As such I wasn't as forthright and regular on my being accountable. Between house guests and overtime I just plain forgot somedays. Some of the safeguards I put into place (e-reminder on the Zaurus) somehow got turned off (I had set it up to synchronize with Outlook and Google and that is what did it) and it never struck me to turn it back on. None of this is an excuse because I didn't adjust and keep doing what I had said I would do, regular (daily) accountability. This just means that I would touch base with her and let her know what was going on with me.

So, yesterday (Sunday) morning before Mass my wife tells me that she needs to talk to me and that she didn't feel safe, was feeling anxious because of my failing at being accountable and boundaries were reestablished until I had that habit back (i.e. sex was off limits). I immediately became volatile with emotion, this is a very hard place for an addict to be.

"I don't like her attitude about this." "She is just being mean and treating sex as an object, wow, maybe she is the addict." "I have dignity and she is treating me like something to be manipulated." "I am working recovery here and yes, I had a minor chink but she is being a *^&%&%*&." All of these thoughts and more racing through my head, I had just told her that I knew I had been lacking in my accountability and would do a better job, oh wait, that had been three days ago. It didn't help any that I had lots of things to do and I had a sore part of my body that was causing me a decent amount of pain.

Their is a principle for an addict, HALT, Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, that is a warning that acting out may be something that will be tempting. I was ANGRY, TIRED and LONELY. It was tempting when my wife left to go spend time with her brother, mother and sister to just sit down and act out, just plain straight-laced go at it. I knew that I wouldn't get another thing done. Soooo, I sat down, still mad as all get out but not having given into the temptation to lash out, and picked several things to do that would be of benefit to and that my wife had wanted to get done. I moved a sleeper sofa, began to steam clean it, weeded the frontyard and began to clean the garage. I really busted my tail, the only thing I didn't get done was emptying the dishwasher and reloading it.

I did make it to my meeting last night, and I had a chance to talk to my wife. I was able to surrender my anger, righteous or not it doesn't really matter, and ask for forgiveness for my failing. I am further or more deeply surrendering my sex life with my wife, it is indeed optional and can be taken from me at any moment. Sex is not something I or anyone else have as a right.

I would say that in some ways it is currency. Its not something we buy and sell or use to get what we want, that is the counterfeit that society has bought into. No, it is part of the currency of love, giving of oneself for the benefit of the other. It is the fruit of the harvest, it takes lots of work to get their but if you do the work, the bounty is plentiful. Back to doing more work.

Under the Mercy,

Matthew S

Monday, July 23, 2007

Jounral 20070723 Surrender/Attatchment

Attachment, I think, is a very basic component of my disease. I believe that it is part of my fallen human nature, disfigured and deformed from what it was designed to be. In its most basic form it is simply me wanting to reach out, take hold of and possess something. That is the basis of sexual addiction, taking something for sexual power/fulfillment, to just yearn to possess it.

I am attached to the way I want my Sunday to be, the way I am woke up, the way I go to sleep, the way my food tastes, the way my children behave, the way my wife treats me, and the way I want God to act. What happens when I don't get my way is a problem. At this point I feel bad, angry or resentful.

The great escape is now the temptation, move away to something that is always perfectly the way I want it. Fantasy is my great escape, one of the guys I know talks about the paper models. Paper models are never on their period, only say what you want and you never have to cuddle with them. Other people I know can put together whole videos in their head just the way they want them to work and play them over and over again. They are able to make these things work just the way they want them too, no questions asked. For me, it is the want to be lusted after, I don’t know why but that is my great escape, my great desire or fantasy.

At times I don’t want to go to meetings. I want to be normal, I want to have my life back and be like everyone else. However, I am not like everyone else, I admit I have a problem and I have to take ownership of it. It is hard to give up what I want, time to relax or whatever, stop what I am doing and go to a meeting. Every time I go to a meeting I am throwing up a reminder of my defects, my faults and my failings. However, going to the meeting is a way to reset my life, to re-orient to what I am supposed to be doing and do it.

This is my place to surrender, to ask for serenity, I am not lusting now but this is where I could make the wrong turn, go down the wrong road and the hurt would be back. After you go to meetings, acting out is never the same. Its always more painful, more depressing, and shameful. Meetings are admitting its wrong, they make a different.

Under the Mercy,


Friday, July 20, 2007

Step Six

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

As an addict I can say that I felt I was at this place for a long time before I started working the steps. Some addicts don't want to get better and only want to learn to control their lust, to enjoy it without the negative consequences, at the beginning of every meeting we even read a passage that mentions that specifically.

I felt and would say for a long time that I wanted God to remove these defects of character. I didn't want to deal with the problems they caused and I simply wanted to live life without the hassle.

Now, I realize that I wasn't truly ready to have God remove these character flaws, I was ready for him to remove the trouble they caused. After seeking out true contrition towards God I was able to really come to a place where 8 could say that I wanted to be done with lust and the behaviors it caused.

For the longest time in recovery I had come to a point where I could admit my life had become unmanageable and it was due to lust. The problem was that I would have been perfectly content with having the lust without the problem. As I mentioned in my prior post, after I asked God for forgiveness for not living as he intended did I come to realize in my heart that lust is unmanageable, not the consequences.

Now, I am in a place where I wouldn't want lust without the problems, I have surrended to the way I am made. I must decrease, He must increase. I must accept myself and be who I am to be.

Under the Mercy,

Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Forgive me Father for I am a worm. This is a dangerous and crucial step for recovery. By the time the addict gets to here they should/need to have lots of support around them. The danger is depression and temptation to relapse as the addict's drug is how they deal with feeling bad ("The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it." P 203 SA White Book). That is why this step should not be walked alone.

Their is something that is freed when another person knows that I have done wrong, done really wrong ("The Sexaholic takes himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong." P.202 SA White Book) and still looks at me with accepting love for me as another human being. When they see me as a human being and not the worm I see in the mirror it allows me an opportunity to see myself as human.

The other important thing that occurs here is honesty with God, He already knows but now I am being honest with the One that knows me and made me. Here I ask for forgiveness for not being who I was made to be. I think that is at the heart of addiction, not being true to who you are made to be. My root addiction is lust, inordinate sexual craving, and I act outside of what my sexual passion should be, and I cannot stop but I must ("So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop." P. 202 SA White Book).

I have taken myself out of reality, here I know where I am so that I can begin the journey to who I am supposed to be.

Under the Mercy,


Friday, July 13, 2007

A quick note

I am still here and very much alive, overtime is making things rough to get done but I am getting a routine down so that I can keep up posting. My biggest fear right now is getting tired and worn out. I am fortunate that I have my wife, she is a gift from God that helps me keep my mind straight. I have chores to do and must get to them but I thought I would drop a note in and pass along this news item that I found.

Under the Mercy,


Monday, July 9, 2007

Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Now we get to some hard work. In some ways this could easily become a list of faults and failings and nothing more. I think that would be a mistake, a missed opportunity for growth. I am not saying that it is unimportant to know where you have failed but I think we need to dig deeper.

In step one we recount places that we have failed to show how our life has become unmanageable due to lust. Here we can take that and see where our insides our and see what our true moral standards are, we can learn our true current standards by how we act and not what we profess. This shows us where we truly are on the journey.

For me I professed that masturbation was inherently wrong. However, in reality I didn't have a problem with it and in reality my behavior made it look like a good thing. It wasn't just masturbation but objectifying women and thinking of them doing things to me, lusting and wanting to be lusted after.

This point of my inventory wasn't to show me that, "Oh well, I guess masturbation is okay and this isn't a problem." The point was to show me that I had work to do, I may fail but I need to work myself back to my standard. The other thing it showed me was how lust allowed me (lust didn't do this but I did) to take steps away from Truth.

This shows me that when I began to lust and masturbate I lowered my standard. This allowed me to take further steps from pornography to fantasy. I began to lead a double life, a life of secrecy, and secrecy is a hallmark of lustful actions. Now the question laying in front of me and seperately in front of my wife was: How far away will you go?

Would I go to an affair when fantasy didn't bring the high and an opportunity presented itself? What was I capable of? This helps to build resolve in my being, to make me stronger to not go further than I am now.

However, I have to take that resolve and stand up with it and work to reclaim what I profess in the actions of secrecy, they must, one at a time, begin to match what I profess.

I must not see a beautiful woman and wonder what she wants to do to me sexually but instead thank God for her beauty, have awe for His creation. I have to attatch feelings of respect and remember that she is someone's daughter and was lovingly held by a father who, not unlike me, loves his daughter completely.

I don't want my daughters to be hurt the way I have hurt my wife and in some ways I have to surrender the ultimate fact that this is partly out of my control. On the other hand I have to have the courage to be a man of integrity so that my daughters will see that, respect it and come to be attracted to or have that as their standard.

That is what is important about this step today, to keep going on the journey back to morality. To striving day by day to be the man I profess, it will be the journey of my life but it is the journey I am choosing. I choose the narrow way, the road less traveled.

Under the mercy,


Friday, July 6, 2007

Journal 20070706

This week has been a long week, I haven't been able to do much blogging here. I have been in training for work this week, it has taken up most of my energy and my wife and I have been having some great talks after work. I am getting ready to go into a period of intense overtime and I know that I need to keep working the steps or even though I am having a good week I will end up reverting and lusting. Keep praying for me as I pray for you.
Under the Mercy

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

At times it seems that the journey to recovery requires what seems like superhuman abilities to me, the addict. Step three is a place to learn that we don't have to be superhuman to be in recovery from our addiction. Trying to be superhuman hasn't worked, we can't be in recovery and white knuckle it. Here we are asked to come as you are.

As love cripples not only do we not know how to love but we really don't know how to be loved. Here we are able to admit that we don't fully understand God. In truth, we hardly know him and we definitely don't feel loved by God. As an addict at times and it is very easy to feel this way, I feel very alone and unloved.

Here is were I extend what little I know of intimacy and make myself vulnerable to God. As a Catholic, that is confession and adoration of Jesus. I have to rend my garments, the defenses and secrecy of lust, and present myself naked before God. This is an act of surrender, coming to God as I am as I know Him. This is how I can begin to grow personally and in knowledge of Him who saves me and helps purify my defects.

Under the Mercy.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Journal 20070701

Tonight, I went to my weekly meeting. Tonight one of our members gave his first step. I know that this was hard for him to do. It took up most of the meeting and his recounting encompassed probably over 30 hand-written pages. This step was a recounting, a disclosure, of how life had become unmanageable by lust. It is amazing how deep his hurt had become. How much pain had he experienced in his life. How lust had overcome him. Many people I know and popular culture would have you think that all of these activities: pornography (still and video), fooling around, masturbation and yes even some people prostitution; are all perfectly normal and legitimate activites for people to partake in.

This realization hascome to me that those of us in the meeting are sexaholics. Just like those working steps in AA are alcoholics. Their are many people out their that are drunks that are not alcoolics, alcoholics go to meetings. Many people in our society are sex drunks, sex addicts, they just haven't admited that they have a problem. Their are people I know that sexual fulfillment is how they feel loved or how they find meaning in their life. They do not see the bigger purpose and that sexual fullfillment comes out of their intimacy with another. Being "intimate" isn't about laying someone down, spreading their legs and ravaging their body so that you have a pleasurable experience.

This is not to say that one can be in the fruits of intimacy in one moment and then something can change or happen that makes them begin to lust. I have had that experience and it was hard to surrender it. WIth his mercy and the true love of my wife I was able to get to that.
I love you, my dearling.

And to those out their struggling, keep coming back it works if you work it. And you are worth it.

Under the Mercy,