Of Late

Life has been hectic around the house. I was up late as I worked overtime last night. When I last entered into recovery I told my wife I would be accountable to her for my actions. This worked well for a time and I had measures in place. This is not an excuse but an accounting of what has happened recently.



Things have been pretty busy around here recently. As such I wasn't as forthright and regular on my being accountable. Between house guests and overtime I just plain forgot somedays. Some of the safeguards I put into place (e-reminder on the Zaurus) somehow got turned off (I had set it up to synchronize with Outlook and Google and that is what did it) and it never struck me to turn it back on. None of this is an excuse because I didn't adjust and keep doing what I had said I would do, regular (daily) accountability. This just means that I would touch base with her and let her know what was going on with me.

So, yesterday (Sunday) morning before Mass my wife tells me that she needs to talk to me and that she didn't feel safe, was feeling anxious because of my failing at being accountable and boundaries were reestablished until I had that habit back (i.e. sex was off limits). I immediately became volatile with emotion, this is a very hard place for an addict to be.

"I don't like her attitude about this." "She is just being mean and treating sex as an object, wow, maybe she is the addict." "I have dignity and she is treating me like something to be manipulated." "I am working recovery here and yes, I had a minor chink but she is being a *^&%&%*&." All of these thoughts and more racing through my head, I had just told her that I knew I had been lacking in my accountability and would do a better job, oh wait, that had been three days ago. It didn't help any that I had lots of things to do and I had a sore part of my body that was causing me a decent amount of pain.

Their is a principle for an addict, HALT, Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, that is a warning that acting out may be something that will be tempting. I was ANGRY, TIRED and LONELY. It was tempting when my wife left to go spend time with her brother, mother and sister to just sit down and act out, just plain straight-laced go at it. I knew that I wouldn't get another thing done. Soooo, I sat down, still mad as all get out but not having given into the temptation to lash out, and picked several things to do that would be of benefit to and that my wife had wanted to get done. I moved a sleeper sofa, began to steam clean it, weeded the frontyard and began to clean the garage. I really busted my tail, the only thing I didn't get done was emptying the dishwasher and reloading it.

I did make it to my meeting last night, and I had a chance to talk to my wife. I was able to surrender my anger, righteous or not it doesn't really matter, and ask for forgiveness for my failing. I am further or more deeply surrendering my sex life with my wife, it is indeed optional and can be taken from me at any moment. Sex is not something I or anyone else have as a right.

I would say that in some ways it is currency. Its not something we buy and sell or use to get what we want, that is the counterfeit that society has bought into. No, it is part of the currency of love, giving of oneself for the benefit of the other. It is the fruit of the harvest, it takes lots of work to get their but if you do the work, the bounty is plentiful. Back to doing more work.

Under the Mercy,

Matthew S


Journal anger accountability sexaholic sexaholism pain intimacy sex+addiction love sex addiction+recovery lust lonely tired