Jounral 20070723 Surrender/Attatchment

Attachment, I think, is a very basic component of my disease. I believe that it is part of my fallen human nature, disfigured and deformed from what it was designed to be. In its most basic form it is simply me wanting to reach out, take hold of and possess something. That is the basis of sexual addiction, taking something for sexual power/fulfillment, to just yearn to possess it.

I am attached to the way I want my Sunday to be, the way I am woke up, the way I go to sleep, the way my food tastes, the way my children behave, the way my wife treats me, and the way I want God to act. What happens when I don't get my way is a problem. At this point I feel bad, angry or resentful.

The great escape is now the temptation, move away to something that is always perfectly the way I want it. Fantasy is my great escape, one of the guys I know talks about the paper models. Paper models are never on their period, only say what you want and you never have to cuddle with them. Other people I know can put together whole videos in their head just the way they want them to work and play them over and over again. They are able to make these things work just the way they want them too, no questions asked. For me, it is the want to be lusted after, I don’t know why but that is my great escape, my great desire or fantasy.

At times I don’t want to go to meetings. I want to be normal, I want to have my life back and be like everyone else. However, I am not like everyone else, I admit I have a problem and I have to take ownership of it. It is hard to give up what I want, time to relax or whatever, stop what I am doing and go to a meeting. Every time I go to a meeting I am throwing up a reminder of my defects, my faults and my failings. However, going to the meeting is a way to reset my life, to re-orient to what I am supposed to be doing and do it.

This is my place to surrender, to ask for serenity, I am not lusting now but this is where I could make the wrong turn, go down the wrong road and the hurt would be back. After you go to meetings, acting out is never the same. Its always more painful, more depressing, and shameful. Meetings are admitting its wrong, they make a different.

Under the Mercy,

MS


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