www.TrueKnights.org Purity News Archive

Monday, April 7, 2008

Sex. What it is and what it means.

One of the things that I never really expected to dive into when I started this process of recovery was figuring out what my sexuality was. I knew what sex was, my problem was just when, where, how, what and who I expressed with. Pictures, videos, etc are out and my wife is in. Well, if you aren't married, let me tell you right now, it doesn't mean anything goes.

Marriage isn't a continuous night after night fest of sexual acts that are pleasurable and life changing. (Sex can be life changing but that usually comes about 9 months later). I guess the best way to think about it is to think about sex as a flower. You can walk down the street and pick up a flower off the ground but it probably has dirt on it and it isn't going to live long. It is beautiful and an intense sight but it dies and withers away.

Really, the work of intimacy and acts of service need to be undertaken. This is growing a plant. making it strong and tall. The bloom develops and blooms, that is where true union, sex as the fruit of love and intimacy is found. This is the true place that sex belongs. It is a beautiful and living thing. As it fades and begins to wither another bloom on the plant is to be found but the story of the last is not over, as it fades on the branch a seed is planted that can form a new bush that can grow and bloom again. The plant or bush is the work of love and intimacy, the flower, the fruit.

One of the things my therapist said today was that from the days of my addictive behavior their are neural pathways that as they go into disuse will atrophy but are "wired" into my brain. As I live my life the way I am supposed to an alternate and appropriate pathway for sexuality will be developed. The other one may never disappear but the new one will become more dominant.

God, Grant me the serenity,


Tuesday, April 1, 2008


Hopefully not for many years. That isn't to say that I don't want to work the program or just act out and forget it all. I am too blessed in my life to do that. No, I know I won't be recovered until I am, God willing and depending on His mercy, standing in His presence forever in eternity.

No, my addiction is His mercy working in my life. I encounter God in my addiction. It shows me my weakness and God reaches me through it. He shows me how to be a better person. One part of the white book makes a statement to the effect that lust was just a symptom of the problem. Our true problem is our diseased attitudes.

I am learning how to truly be a father, husband, brother, son, lover, so on and so on to include every role in my life because of this addiction. I am still far from perfect and striving to be better. I don't want to be recovered and I don't want to act out ever again. I want to be a gratefully recovering addict. I would rather spend my life gratefully recovering and be a better person than be "recovered" but never better myself as a person.

This will be with me every day and so will working recovery. Sometimes going all the way is just the start.

God, grant me the serenity,


Sex is for what?

Sex is for fun, right? It is all about the pleasure? Come on, you are married and can have all the fun you want, sex is your benefit and right!!

STOP, that is all wrong.

Let's try this again. Sex is fun. Sex is pleasurable. You are married, you can have sex whenever its agreed to by your spouse and it is a benefit but not of being married. Sex is a benefit of working on a good relationship with her spouse.

Every now and then when I am leaving work about 11 at night the station that I was on has the sex/relationship advice show, Loveline. Every now and then their is a call of a 16-20 yo female calling in and complaining about how she doesn't have an orgasm with intercourse. The host talks about a need for her to be comfortable with the relationship and herself and to just grow up a little.

One thing my wife and I have discovered is that sex isn't all about me or about her. It can be somewhat 'routine' but it isn't mundane. We want to give ourselves to each other because of our relationship. I don't mean just the fact that we are husband and wife but because we do things together and for each other throughout the day and appreciate what the other does.

Sex becomes the fruit of the work that we do in marriage, an extension of the expression of our love. It isn't how crazy can we get, how can I satisfy myself, or we need a new toy so we can take this to the new level. It simply becomes about a connection with each other that is fulfilling with each other.

I often joke with my wife about the fact that during sex I know the combination to her safe, yes, it may be routine but it is routinely satisfying. The reason, we love each other and Sex is the fruit of the relationship and not the basis of the relationship.

God grant me the serenity,