Jounral 20070618 "The F-word"

Today, my wife and I had our couple’s counseling appointment. I really didn’t want to go, not in the least. Well, not because I am through with my marriage or anything but because I just want everything to be back to normal, I want the magical pill, the Viagra of relationships. I want the magical pill that cures everything wrong between us and makes us magically back together during a 30-second commercial.

Anyway, we are more and more hopeful, less fearful, resentful and angry. The session went
well. However, the dreaded F-word came up. This word is probably the one that a sex-addicts wife has the hardest time with, it is something that an addict truly craves. The F-word is
FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness is something that is hard to define, what does it mean?

Does it mean that we go back to the way it was before we had the blow-up? Does it mean that we choose to love each other anyway without regard for the fault? I am diving deeper into me for this one. When I forgive my wife, I give up any right I have to be angry. I may still be mad
about the situation and I still understand that there are consequences but I forgive the person, not the action.

In some ways it is something I do more for me than for the forgiven. Don’t get me wrong, I know it benefits them but it is for me and for my healing as well. L pointed out that there is a difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. D has always had trouble with what forgiveness means but I think we realized that reconciliation is what we are working on now instead of calling it forgiveness.

As we walked out we looked at the Lilies planted next to wheelchair ramp outside the building, they are bigger plants than the ones I have at home, they have had years to grow and mine are brand new this year. Dawn looked at me and stated that she felt even more hopeful for us. After reading last night’s post she said she felt more hopeful and now she is even more hopeful. Yes, through time we are growing, individually and together, bigger and stronger.

Under the Mercy.

journal diary lust abstinance forgiveness sex+addiction 12+steps