Journal entry 2007-5-10

Sorry for not posting more, its been crazy around here, found this and thought I would share:

Last night I asked Dawn to give me an external perspective of where I was and what she thought the benchmarks of “recovery” are for me. If I am truly just in a de-escalation phase as she fears/thinks I am in then I need input as to what I need to do to achieve “recovery”. I am a person that has struggled sexually for a long time. I feel that over the past several years I have gotten better and better in managing my acting out and have been able to live a purer life as I have grown. After the birth of our last child I did make inappropriate remarks to people that I know. I did some of this on a social networking internet site and they were found by Dawn. I had not hid the site from her or the fact that I had a page on it but she got on it and saw the bulletins/mails to and from people I know. For me the comments I made are acting out but to the social group of the people that they were made to they are just ornery bantering.

I have worked really hard in the period of time since then to reform my life and continue to grow in what I thought was recovery. I have gone from use of strip clubs and online fantasy relationships to just some inappropriate banter/overtures. Some of the stories from the books say that you have to make small and manageable steps and the way I have grown would be consistent with that.

I am working on a continued plan for growth, however, as we are sleeping apart I am very interested as to what Dawn’s benchmarks are for growth to recovery as those are what get her and I back together in the same bed. I feel that us cuddling (physical intimacy) is an important part of us growing back together. Not that the physical is the only or most important part, I talked with her last night about making sure that we focused on other things than just the problem so that we don’t burn out on the problem. We talked about camping trips together or going and seeing a movie or an overnight trip together. Making plans and pie in the sky dreaming together makes, me at least, feel like we are sharing and enjoying each others company.

However, back to benchmarks for recovery that Dawn thinks are important. Dawn feels that I need to get rid of toxic shame. I need to feel that I am worthwhile. This is hard to do when I feel that I am under a lens of constant criticism from her. She also wants me to go back to SA to search for support/help with my problem. She also would like me to develop a support network. The support network of men is the most daunting task I feel that is in front of me. Guys don’t relate well to guys. Also, the time I spend with a guy needs to be focused and just plain male companionship/activity and time to help work out the problem as I don’t want to spend too much time away from my family.

Under the Mercy,

5-10-07

sexaholism sexaholic sex+addiction lust recovery 12step 12+step twelve+step