Journal entry 2007-5-10

Sorry for not posting more, its been crazy around here, found this and thought I would share:

Last night I asked Dawn to give me an external perspective of where I was and what she thought the benchmarks of “recovery” are for me. If I am truly just in a de-escalation phase as she fears/thinks I am in then I need input as to what I need to do to achieve “recovery”. I am a person that has struggled sexually for a long time. I feel that over the past several years I have gotten better and better in managing my acting out and have been able to live a purer life as I have grown. After the birth of our last child I did make inappropriate remarks to people that I know. I did some of this on a social networking internet site and they were found by Dawn. I had not hid the site from her or the fact that I had a page on it but she got on it and saw the bulletins/mails to and from people I know. For me the comments I made are acting out but to the social group of the people that they were made to they are just ornery bantering.

I have worked really hard in the period of time since then to reform my life and continue to grow in what I thought was recovery. I have gone from use of strip clubs and online fantasy relationships to just some inappropriate banter/overtures. Some of the stories from the books say that you have to make small and manageable steps and the way I have grown would be consistent with that.

I am working on a continued plan for growth, however, as we are sleeping apart I am very interested as to what Dawn’s benchmarks are for growth to recovery as those are what get her and I back together in the same bed. I feel that us cuddling (physical intimacy) is an important part of us growing back together. Not that the physical is the only or most important part, I talked with her last night about making sure that we focused on other things than just the problem so that we don’t burn out on the problem. We talked about camping trips together or going and seeing a movie or an overnight trip together. Making plans and pie in the sky dreaming together makes, me at least, feel like we are sharing and enjoying each others company.

However, back to benchmarks for recovery that Dawn thinks are important. Dawn feels that I need to get rid of toxic shame. I need to feel that I am worthwhile. This is hard to do when I feel that I am under a lens of constant criticism from her. She also wants me to go back to SA to search for support/help with my problem. She also would like me to develop a support network. The support network of men is the most daunting task I feel that is in front of me. Guys don’t relate well to guys. Also, the time I spend with a guy needs to be focused and just plain male companionship/activity and time to help work out the problem as I don’t want to spend too much time away from my family.

Under the Mercy,

5-10-07

sexaholism sexaholic sex+addiction lust recovery 12step 12+step twelve+step

Journal entry

Today I had to go testify in court in reference to an aggavated assault with gunshots fired. After I came home for what I thought was going to be for a few short hours to celebrate my second child's fifth birthday until I had to return back to work.

Well, the best laids plans of mice and men began to fall apart on my trip home when my alternator belt came apart. Not a huge deal, I go outside and start working on replacing it. My oldest daughter decided it would be fun to watch dad replace the belt on the car. Well, she felt that way for about five minutes and then it was time to ride her bike and then the birthday girl came out to play as well. The next thing I know I hear a crash and as I turn around their is no doubt that Mary's arm is broken.

Long story short, lots of people helped and visited both the birthday girl and the injured girl. Dawn acted marveously today and I felt so close to her and wanted to hold her but I am still shut out. It takes time to network so I can be in ``recovery" and we can discuss our reunion.

Under the Mercy,

5-9-07

Journal entry

Today I had to go testify in court in reference to an aggavated assault with gunshots fired. After I came home for what I thought was going to be for a few short hours to celebrate my second child's fifth birthday until I had to return back to work.

Well, the best laids plans of mice and men began to fall apart on my trip home when my alternator belt came apart. Not a huge deal, I go outside and start working on replacing it. My oldest daughter decided it would be fun to watch dad replace the belt on the car. Well, she felt that way for about five minutes and then it was time to ride her bike and then the birthday girl came out to play as well. The next thing I know I hear a crash and as I turn around their is no doubt that her arm is broken.

Long story short, lots of people helped and visited both the birthday girl and the injured girl. Dawn acted marveously today and I felt so close to her and wanted to hold her but I am still shut out. It takes time to network so I can be in ``recovery" and we can discuss our reunion.

Under the Mercy,

5-8-07

Journal entry

I am not worthy to be loved. At least that is how I feel today. You see, I have an addiction to sexual fantasy/release. Not quite 24 hours ago I gave my wife a full disclosure to cut through the years of deception. I feel as if my attempt to break through the wall I had built around me out of shame has caused others to build isolation around me. Shame was and is the drive of my addiction. My guilt and lack of self-worth made me feel shame when I acted out. This made me do things to hide what I had done and thus more shame. Acting out was a way to relieve stress and feel validated. The problem was that it would build the shame higher.

Now I am isolated by myself, sleeping alone and fighting temptation and the devil in the dark alone. I do not have human physical attention for comfort. Instead I am crucified by the just scorn of my wife. I am however blessed by her great love. We are beginning a long road together of journeying back together. My suffering is a mercy from God, it is His mercy to strengthen me to be true to my calling.

Under the Mercy,

5-7-07

What is an addiction

I guess the first thing that I should write about is to tell you what having a sexual addiction means. In some ways this is a very hard thing to explain as most people don't understand this specific addiction, it makes them uncomfortable or they think that sex addicts are all child molesters.

The reality of sex addiction centers on behaviors related to lust and "acting out" in some way or ways very compulsively. This can be very 'innocent' such as being triggered to masturbate by the lingerie ads in the newspaper or more dangerous behaviors like trolling the streets for anonymous sexual encounters.

Their is a search for ever increasing highs, searching for the connection that will make you whole, the ultimate high. However, nothing fits the bill and the addict begins to deal with stress with fantasy and masturbation.

Becoming a disconnected love cripple is the next step on the journey. No longer are things sexual part of intimacy but they are merely a way to take from others. Intimacy becomes a long forgotten thing and lust is a way of living. Many times it is a double life that is hidden from those that appear to be close to us.

One thing that many people in twelve step programs will be familiar with is cross-addiction. The alcoholic can begin to turn to drugs or food for release as an outlet in place of or with their addiction to drugs or alcohol. In my journey to recovery with sex addiction I have found a pattern of sober alcoholics with periods of recovery that end up having to come back and work the twelve steps again as they find out that a more root addiction for them is sexaholism.

I think that part of this has to do with people being sexaholics, not realizing it, not finding meaning in their relatonships and then hitting the bars, drinking to spice things up on a night out and using alcohol to deal with the disconnect they feel from their spouse.

Sexaholics are all around us in this culture. Most people don't realize they are one. They are not just the perverts that molest children. They are people who have affairs, watch pornography, go to strip clubs, flirt inappropriately at work, stare at people at the swimming pool, or just fantasize in their mind and wish for some type of sexual connection that will make them whole.


If you have ever wondered if you might be a sex addict or don't know feel at peace with your sexuality, considering answering these questions for yourself.


Under the Mercy.