Odd out of the news.

Ok, somehow this is part of the problem. I really could have bought it if they had stuck with unfair practices such as only one half of the yelling match getting questioned.

Under the Mercy,
MS

God, grant me the serenity....

Counseling. . . .

. . . . so I went to see a counselor today. It seems like something more I can do to further my work on this addiction. Everything was good and wonderful until about 5 minutes he I am told he is retiring in May. The good news he is willing to meet with me until then to do some work and get me on a road of continuing work. He is also introducing me to other resources available if my needs go beyond the time that we have together to work. It may require traveling to a small town 30 miles away from mine but I can do that. One of the options, a facillitated mens group therapy session would require me changing my days off from my precious weekends but I can do that. Those are issues that him and I have to work through.

For the time being I am going to order a workbook, Facing the Shadows by Patrick Carnes (SexHelp.com). It is a workbook that is for people in the beginning of recovery and it never hurts to start back at the beginning. The therapist was particularly interested in discussing the last several chapters of the book that deal with defining, maintaing and cultivating sobriety. Their are 2 more books in the series that are in the offing, one to come out this year and another next year. They continue working through 30 practical things to do to sustain true recovery. I was so glad to see some of the things I am doing mentioned in the plans for future volumes, but it will be good to work through them regardless.

The biggest thing I can think of that will help me is being able to step outside myself. Between now and May I just need to find someone to work these books with me.

I am grateful to be sober today.

God, grant me the serenity....
Under the Mercy,
MS

A hole in my heart

and it can only be filled by God. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.


Suffering is my teacher. Pain is a teacher. Grow through loving, loving menas being vunerable, being vunerable means allowing yourself to be hurt.

Under the Mercy,
MS

When the days are busy and long. . .

. . . .it is important to remember to stop and listen to what is going on in your heart and your desires. Take a moment to look at your values, goals and behaviors and see how you are doing. Take a moment to see how your tank is doing and how much energy you have to deal with the day. In step 10 we learn that sober is not well. We have to remember to that our daily actions can have a negative effect on being well. It is easier to carry resentments but we must surrender them and make ammends.

Under the Mercy,
MS
God, grant me the serenity. . .

Paranoia

I think this is something that really works against me in dealing with my addiction. It definitely makes me feel uneasy, going to have to do some work and meditate about this and my addiction.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Good morning, or is it afternoon?

At times getting all turned around can be a bad thing. The biggest thing to remember is to keep from geting tired out and out of sorts. I am blessed in having a wonderful wife that let me sleep in extra when I work late. It is hard enough on both of us being on a second shift schedule but overtime doesn't help.

Time to think of something special to give back to her. She deserves it. It is good to always remember that we are beter than we deserve and that is definitely true in my case.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Daily Living

Working on developing daily habits. Since this is a program of daily living and daily recovery I need to know that I am working it every day, even when I don't sit down with book, pen and paper. I have an initial list and I am working on refining it of things I look at when I start my day and before I end it of ways that I work the program throughout the day.

I begin the day looking at the list reminding myself to look for opportunities to work the steps. I end the day looking at the list finding ways that I missed opportunities and then remembering the ways that I did work the steps in those ways.

1. Make a call for support
2. Do a daily meditation of the program
3. Admit your powerlessness
4. Be honest about mistakes and shortcomings
5. Have a spiritual awareness
6. Support another program person
7. Active work on a step
8. Focus on Today
9. Do something to mend harm you caused
10. Give a meeting.
11. Work for balance in your life.
12. Attend a meeting
13. Maintain a defined sobriety
14. Take responsibility for actions

Under the Mercy,

MS

The difference in Step One

Before recovery begins unmanageable and out of control are the same thing.

After you begin recovery you begin to understand that out of control is ok and normal. You can accept and deal with it. Unmaneagable happens when you are acting out.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Step 10, 12 Steps, making amends

When I first ever walked into a 12 step meeting, I wanted to know what these magical 12 steps where and figure out how quick to get through them so that I could be cured.

I have come to realize that they are only 12 steps because they have to be put into an order of some sort. Really, and step 10 makes it clear, these things are a way of life. Surrender, focus on making yourself better and learn to relate to others. That is what the steps are about, a way of life to do those things that are unnatural to an addict and make them natural.

To apologize for actions without expecting in return. To feel injured by another and look inside yourself to see what you could do different. To learn to be a better person and learn to do better.

Making amends is not a natural thing, it is easier to whine over one's own wounds but that is not what a true relationship, relating without manipulating, giving yourself away, that is how we find ourself. Our true self.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Habits and Reaction

My entire life I have been someone who reacts to the situations that are put in front of me. At times it was striking back at a bully, getting mad, chickening out or even being swayed into doing something. This has helped me in dealing with crisis situations but I think that due to patterns I have learned, it has fed my addiction. Things have to be a certain way for me and when they aren’t I react to make them the way I feel that they should be. This can and often opens the door for resentment. It also makes it very easy respond to sexual input without thinking especially when my triggers are in play. When I have stress and resentment sexual release is something that is very calming.

Well, it is calming for a time, then there is resentment and guilt and the cycle can repeat itself as I am more on edge as I try to stuff down the guilt and move on. Again, reacting to the situation and not dealing with. All of my life is based on reactions. In Church the other day the homily was about developing habits and patterns to help get us to heaven. Right now I am someone who reacts, goes quickly and fast paced through life. From now on, I need to slow down and think about things, not reacting but being much more methodical in the way I approach things, especially things that make me want to react. Instead of letting my stresses jump up through my reacting and trying to control.

Under the Mercy,
MS

God grant me the serenity. . . .

Habits and Reaction

My entire life I have been someone who reacts to the situations that are put in front of me. At times it was striking back at a bully, getting mad, chickening out or even being swayed into doing something. This has helped me in dealing with crisis situations but I think that due to patterns I have learned, it has fed my addiction. Things have to be a certain way for me and when they aren’t I react to make them the way I feel that they should be. This can and often opens the door for resentment. It also makes it very easy respond to sexual input without thinking especially when my triggers are in play. When I have stress and resentment sexual release is something that is very calming.

Well, it is calming for a time, then there is resentment and guilt and the cycle can repeat itself as I am more on edge as I try to stuff down the guilt and move on. Again, reacting to the situation and not dealing with. All of my life is based on reactions. In Church the other day the homily was about developing habits and patterns to help get us to heaven. Right now I am someone who reacts, goes quickly and fast paced through life. From now on, I need to slow down and think about things, not reacting but being much more methodical in the way I approach things, especially things that make me want to react. Instead of letting my stresses jump up through my reacting and trying to control.

Under the Mercy,
MS

God grant me the serenity. . . .

Breatkthrough

I have been doing lots of reading and reflecting lately. I ended up spending sometime thinking about something that has been nagging at me and I think I have come to a breakthrough in recovery. I don't know what to call it, I don't really think it is a trigger, it will make more sense when I am done writing it all out and I post it here.



God grant me the serenity.



Under the Mercy,

MS

Why does it have to. . .

. . .be such a long process to recovery? Why can't we just go on living our lives tommorow after making a decision today?

The answer is simple, if I decided to recover today and just go on with life, recovered, tommorow, I wouldn't appreciate recovery. I also wouldn't have changed. Change is a process that I have to undertake. Suffering and pain are the teachers of patience and appreciation. These things take time and have to occur over time. God grant me the serenity. . .

Under the Mercy,
MS

When the work gets hard. . .

. . .I have to remember to keep working it. At times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, screw it all. That is weakness talking, that is the temptation of addiction. Go for the easy way and the instant gratification. Bypass the real connection.

I have to remember to keep working the program, the real connection is not something I can get quick and it is worth all the sacrifice and then some. It is the pearl of great price. At times it seems so far away and the addiction wants its fix, so we surrender and keep moving on. We move on because we are worth it and those we connect in reality and not fantasy are worth it. We are worth the real connection.

Under the Mercy,
MS

The Born Serenity (The Bourne Supremacy)

I have been reading the Bourne series by Robert Ludlum. You can't watch the movies to really understand this person. The 2nd movie in the series bares almost no resemblance to the 2nd book in the series and I mean almost none whatsoever.

The interesting thing about the series of books is basically you have a person who is compelled to do certain things but doesn't know why and he is looking for answers, peace and serenity in his life. It turns out he has servearl different personas. They each have a different way of acting and a different reality.

Bourne is appealing as he is a man of action that takes risks and succeeds. Delta, behind Bourne and still created is ruthless, vindictive, scary and interested in only what he wants. Webb, the man behind it all is a man of serenity. He is a man that would rather react and think, not to be in control. In some ways this is how an addict functions, seperating parts of himself. I am still learning how to be an all in one deal. Not to say addicts have multiple personalities but they do have different ways of coping. It is amazing, and has really given me pause to reflect inside myself and how I behave.

The hardest thing

I suffer from WCSS (Worst Case Scenario Syndrome) and it makes my addiction harder to deal with at times. If I am a forest I don't want to ignore the whole forest to deal with one tree (my addiction is a whole section) but I don't want to give lip service to that tree either and pass it by. If I need to prune it or chop it down, I need to do that. However, then I get into studying that tree and worry about neglecting the forest.

I know its THE lower power (that phrase just came to me) trying to keep me from doing what I am supposed to do. I am working on going to a counselor but I keep beating myself up with the what-ifs. I finally jumped passed them and am trying to line up my schedule and his. It feels much better now that I have made the jump and I am doing the work.

I will have to blog more on this idea of a lower power. Right now I need to focus on my higher power more. I can't want to control everything so that my life is easier. I need to stop fighting the Roman Guards that are trying to hand me the cross so that my life is easier. So, today again, I work to carry my cross. Even with a smile, it is a joy to carry and hell to fight.

God, grant me the serenity. . . .

Say a prayer for the lost out their and skip the Super Bowl, go to a meeting.

One of those days

Do you ever have one of those days where no matter how much you try to do what is right you just can't pull it off? Bad start to the day, lack of surrender, I do surrender but feel like I am getting picked at (doesn't matter if I am or not, I have to surrender). I surrender and try to do what is right (or what I thought was the right thing to do) but I didn't surrender my doing what I thought was right.....it turned out to be what was wrong. It is one of those days. God, grant me the serenity. . .