Getting to the heart of the problem. . .

"Instead of covering our feelings with complusive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began."
-- pg. 204, "The Solution", SA WhiteBook

Sexual acting out is the symptom. It is how we learned to cope with things that we couldn't/didn't deal with. The consequences of that acting out is what made our lives unmanageable and we saw that as the problem. In reality, something deeper was and is pushing and motivating us. We have to get to that and deal with that so that we can truly heal. St. Augustine calls it the hole in our heart that only God can fill.

It is much easier to short circuit things dealing with things, especially stressful things, by acting out. People in our society do it daily, sometimes it is just yelling, fighting, drinking or any number of things. For the sex addict it is acting out sexually (promiscuity, random sex, violent sex, fetish, fantasy, etc). The gratefully recovering addict is learning to deal with things using the actions of love.

Step Eleven

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
-- pg 135, SA WhiteBook

Two things stood out from the reading from Step Eleven tonight. When I say stood out, they jumped off the page at me.

"our concept of God was wrong, and we were lost to the true God."
-- pg 136, SA WhiteBook

This is a huge discovery for me, a Church-going guy. One of the things I have learned is that I have to approach God as I understand Him and come to know him better, slowly, day by day. I can't use God to justify my actions, either sexually acting out or the underlying problems that lead to my want to act out. That is the big thing, I never really sat down and thought God approved of my sexual acting out but I did have a puppet God that approved all my actions that LED to the acting out.

I was always right in situations and deserved to be treated as such. At times I would even feel as though I was God's knight, his champion that was always right in his actions. This is getting further under my skin and closer to the heart of the problem, I want to be admired and always seen as right. This is where humility and surrender get closer to my heart and more uncomfortable. It is also where surrender is more important. I have to take on the role of servant and not master in my life.

"But what if God was for us, not as we saw ourselves, but as we truly were?"
-- Pg. 137, SA WhiteBook

Wow, talk about a packed statement. What if God was for me? What if He did and does care about me? Wow, I have someone that can help me and He is the master of the universe!! News flash, God can't care about me, look at how horrible I am. I am nothing like anything He would ever want around, the only reason I haven't been smited by Him is that he must get some perverse comic relief from watching me stumble around.

Remeber the quote before this one? Yeah, ties right into this. God is for me, and it is never too late. The gospel today was about the raising of Lazurus from the dead. One of the lines that stuck out to me was, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." What a powerful statement. At times that is the way the addict feels in his relatings. I am beyond help, if only you had been here when I was able to be helped God, then maybe you could have done something. That is the misconception of God by the addict. The point is that even though Lazaurus had been dead for four days, God still raised him from the dead. He was not beyond help and neither am I.

God is for me as I am. I simply have to start walking with Him. He loves me even though I am messed up, He can help me, I have to let Him.

Let Go.
Let God.

I am thankful I am sober today.
God, grant me the serenity.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Tonight

Things to do:

1. Order workbook
2. Adjust to time change :(
3. Go to meeting
4. Finish putting together cabinet for wife
5. organize storage room
6. move furniture
7. journal
8. read

I have been doing lots of reading lately while I am at work as a way to prevent my mind from wandering. I have been reading lots of Robert Ludlum and his secret agent styled writings, I wonder if that is really good for me. They are really good but I wonder if I should fanatically read them, I have started to have dreams where I am a secret agent! Sigh, time to eat dinner.

Under the Mercy,

MS

God, Grant me the serenity

Patience

In recovery we are supposed to use the actions of love to replace the actions of lust. The measure we give is the measure we receive.

What is love? Love is patient.

What does it mean that I am supposed to be patient? How does this relate to me as an addict? One of the biggest things I can think of about an addict is that we take things we want, we don't want to wait for things in their proper order, we want things the way we want them to be. We are a generally impatient people.

Something I have found good to practice is when I am going somewhere and their is someone that is going the same place, for instance into the library, but they are behind me a bit, I will slow down and perform an act of kindness. I will get to the door and hold it for them, they are several steps behind me but it makes me stop and WAIT on someone and perform a small act of random reparation anonymously.

This action of finding an opportunity to help someone, taking time to help them and making sure it takes time from me is good. It also has to be a small sacrifice, not for a thank you from a stranger but for that person because they are a person. I usually offer a small prayer for them for God's will or serenity in their life.

Under the Mercy,
MS

God, grant me the serenity....

Tired and Busy

Usually something dangerous, but still working small bits throughout the day. Must not become complacent for the test will come but sweet freedom and serenity feels so much better.

Under the Mercy,
MS

The next test, and the next, and the next. . .

Just because we have surrendered (steps 1, 2 and 3) anything we can get our hands on doesn't mean that we are free from our obsession. We become complacent about surrender and the obsession comes back, a new test, the next test. It will probably present itself in a new and different way but it will come back. The feeling of unease will come back and we either reach for our drug or we surrender. We thought we were free but out of the blue we found a resentment.

At first we never realized that a resentment may have been more of the problem than lusting. In reality lust is just the symptom of the interior death that we experience. We have to learn to take the actions of love, choosing what is best for another for their sake, to heal ourselves. This involves ever growing layers of surrender, it is like peeling an onion.

God grant me the serenity. . . .

Under the Mercy,
MS