Sex. What it is and what it means.
One of the things that I never really expected to dive into when I started this process of recovery was figuring out what my sexuality was. I knew what sex was, my problem was just when, where, how, what and who I expressed with. Pictures, videos, etc are out and my wife is in. Well, if you aren't married, let me tell you right now, it doesn't mean anything goes.
Marriage isn't a continuous night after night fest of sexual acts that are pleasurable and life changing. (Sex can be life changing but that usually comes about 9 months later). I guess the best way to think about it is to think about sex as a flower. You can walk down the street and pick up a flower off the ground but it probably has dirt on it and it isn't going to live long. It is beautiful and an intense sight but it dies and withers away.
Really, the work of intimacy and acts of service need to be undertaken. This is growing a plant. making it strong and tall. The bloom develops and blooms, that is where true union, sex as the fruit of love and intimacy is found. This is the true place that sex belongs. It is a beautiful and living thing. As it fades and begins to wither another bloom on the plant is to be found but the story of the last is not over, as it fades on the branch a seed is planted that can form a new bush that can grow and bloom again. The plant or bush is the work of love and intimacy, the flower, the fruit.
One of the things my therapist said today was that from the days of my addictive behavior their are neural pathways that as they go into disuse will atrophy but are "wired" into my brain. As I live my life the way I am supposed to an alternate and appropriate pathway for sexuality will be developed. The other one may never disappear but the new one will become more dominant.
God, Grant me the serenity,
MS
12 comments:
I am another man walking to same journey. I am so depressed right now. My addiction has taken me into an affair and even tonight I am going to see her. Don't know how to stop.
I am a woman struggling with this same addiction. I didn't even know it had a name!!! I shall pray for you, and ask that you do the same for me. Obviously, it's a little harder for a woman to find resources for this disorder... Anyway, I shall pray for you...
ManDeterminted: I am finally in a relationship based on love, not just awesome lovemaking. I do not want to sabotage it, yet I am fearful that I will fail. I have several desires & fantasies I've wanted to explore and both of us were initially attracted to each other as a result of mutual desires/fantasies. However, since our relationship has grown we are both less interested in making them reality - she much more than I, I must admit. I still have thoughts of fulfilling them, yet I know myself well enough that I will not and will never seek to fulfill them w/out her by my side involved - I cannot and will not cheat, its just not in my nature. However, it leaves me with these "cravings" that I don't know what to do with. I have been addicted to porn for years, eventually divorcing 10 yrs ago. Since I've met my current fiance' the desire to view porn has dwindled remarkably and I am very proud of my efforts to reduce it. In the past, I would spend hours daily and whenever possible, viewing porn and/or talking to women online interested in the same things as I. Since I have met my fiance (1+ yr ago), I can count the number of times I've viewed on my hand - I "failed" 3 wks ago and 3 mos. ago was the time prior. To me, this is huge progress, though as my fiance has said, I still am viewing. To her it feels like I'm cheating on her, of which I understand, though I do not see it that way. All of my fantasies include her in them. NONE are w/out her. I guess part of me wants to experience the things she's experienced, together as a loving couple. Yet I also know this could be a very risky adventure for our young relationship. I want to have a "normal" sexual life with this woman and continue to grow in love with her. We both are very sexual people and she's thought at one point that she may be a sex addict as well, though as time has gone by its become evident she is not, but I may be. I pray daily for those in my life, for my relationship, and for myself to find peace w/in. Yet prayer alone is not going to take this away. I must learn the why's of my addiction. Why have I resorted to this activity in the past? Is there something I am trying to avoid? Is it a diversion to times of pain and/or stress? How do I control this such that I no longer have these desires to view porn and/or fulfill fantasies unhealthy for our relationship? "Man destructing" states he doesn't know how to stop - while I know that feeling, I also know that I will not risk destroying my relationship. I have done that in the past, though admittedly, I don't regret them. I am so much happier than I ever was in any of my past 3 more serious relationships, including my marriage of 18 yrs. I hope you (man destructing) can come to grips with the risks you are taking. If your relationship means enough to you, you will have the strength to not cheat on your wife. Sometimes it takes losing b4 one learns that. I'm not saying you need to "lose" in order to stop, and by all means am not discounting your inability to control yourself from the affair, I am just thankful that at least the thought of cheating was something that was engrained in me while growing up as being wrong and hurtful. Perhaps you need to explore how your wife would feel if she knew and/or how that would make you feel in return? Just some thoughts, while also sharing my own imperfections and weaknesses to this addiction. A woman wrote it was harder to find resources for a woman with this addiction. I'm not sure why that would be. Or is it just how you feel because its culturally "less accepted" that a woman have this addiction than a man? Whatever the case, I hope you, too, can find inner peace and learn to control the unhealthy behaviors that I too seek to control. :) This is new to me, so I'm not sure what to expect for responses, but I'm open to any helpful input on anyone's behalf. I'm also willing to listen and support anyone in need of it.
ManDetermined: I think I need to clarify my past post a bit. I have never cheated on any woman that I was in a committed relationship. Its just not me. Some may view pornography as a form of cheating, some will view "swinging" as cheating, both of which I have been involved in in my past marriage of 18 yrs and/or the 2 relationships prior to my lifetime love of present. My issue is that this STILL does not make for a healthy relationship between her and I - just because I can't cheat in person. I guess when I think about it, I really am cheating on her.....on us, just not in the physical sense with another woman. How can I convince my mind of this? The craving is so strong at times that I will somehow "bend the rules" to satisfy the craving. Thanks for listening & good luck to all!!! :)
I read this blog and another while researching for an article. I just can't tell you how much reading this has meant for my own self esteem.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years in March. The first time I found out he was playing in porn and other things was while I was pregnant during our first year. He'd done it so much, but blamed it on everything else. Lied completely. Every couple of years we go through a row because he's doing it again. Internet porn, phone sex, mags, porn channels, etc. And he was so humiliated by it all and never would talk about it.
The last episode sent me into therapy about four years ago for suicidal issues and depression. Of course, I had codependency issues.
I managed to pull myself and my life together. Things have been so much better since then, but I can't get past the fear that he'll pull the rug out from under me again.
Reading this reminds me that he's human and has problems just like I do. It's such a long journey together, this "sickness and health" thing. Getting a little insight from someone who's there really helps. Thank you for putting this out there.
Your therapist is right on concerning the neural pathways and how you can reinforce new pathways that can become dominate.
Hi, interesting post. I have been wondering this issue, so thanks for sharing. I will definitely be coming back to your blog.
One of the greatest struggles for those of us who are sex addicts, I believe, is erasing that line between true intimacy and sex. If I think of it in terms of another addiction, it's like asking an alcoholic to drink whiskey as a substitute for water. Sex IS our drug, yet somehow we are healing in order to have healthy, respectful sexual relations. I liked your analogy to the flower and your reference to the solution being in doing acts of service. It really does keep me out of my head and on my feet.
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