Just desserts

At times we just have to try a little bit harder. This past Sunday night we read Step Ten from the White Book. The section on page 133 "I'm the Key" was something that struck out at me. Basically, it details out a recovering addicts experience that illustrates the ammends making principles of the program.

He talks about telling her to shape up or get out, that she was an addict to television and had many other problems. "I had her nailed and felt pretty strongly about the whole thing." He then talks about going on a trip with another addict and having time to talk about the problem with his fellow addict.

He comes to a stark realization, "I was the key, and my attitude was wrong. I was waiting for her to change, not realizing that my very attitude made that impossible."

So, I sat in the meeting and reflected how the different ways I acted towards my wife effected her behavior. The more compassionate and loving I was, even when she appeared out of line to me the better things were and the better resolution to the situations occured. The point wasn't that I was right or I was wrong (many times I could and am in the wrong) but that I had accepted the serenity prayer, the surrender. I really thought more about how I could act even better towards my wife and strengthen our relationship.

Well, the devil has a way with the world. I thought about this more and the devil has a wonderful way of using things against us. I know several people that have made first steps and then acted out. Well, I grew in a bit deeper insight on how I should treat my wife and how I could do better in treating my wife and then I blew it this Monday morning, the very next day.

My wife and became upset with a decision that I made. I acted very poorly because I felt I was getting picked at and became defensive instead of reflecting her concern to her and listening to her (mistake #1). I then brought up my stone wall defenses (mistake #2). Next, I decided to say she was wrong (mistake #3). Now, I decide to poke back (mistake #4). Then I have the gall to bully at her: yelling, name calling, etc (mistake #5). Lastly, I decided not to give her some space to calm down (mistake #6). Well, you get the idea, we argued.

Needless to say we both hurt each other. Words cut very deep. We have both taken our lumps and apologized and forgiven the other. However, I had to cement in a lesson and remember something I said the night before on Sunday night. I have to live this program, not day by day but decision by decision.

I can only change what I do in this life.

God grant me the serenity,
Matthew S