www.TrueKnights.org Purity News Archive

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Dealing with expectations and lust

A little advanced warning, this may be a bit long but hopefully I won't ramble too much.
Maybe
Yesterday the odds were stacked
In favor of my expectations
Flyin' above the rest
Never fallin' from the nest
Tuesday came and went and now
I'm in a little situation
Maybe it's for the best
I can live alone, I guess
Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home
Forgive me if I'm keeping you
Apart from Better conversation
Hung up on all my doubt
Trying to sort the whole thing out
Tell me that I'm smart enough
To deal with all the information
Spinning inside my head
Every word he ever said
Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home
I think one of the biggest problems with living life, especially when you have lived a life of erotic fantasy is dealing with expectations. I found this definition here:
The noun "expectation" has 4 senses.
1. expectation, outlook, prospect -- belief about (or mental picture of) the future
2. anticipation, expectation -- wishing with confidence of fulfillment
3. expectation -- the feeling that something is about to happen
4. arithmetic mean, first moment, expectation, expected value -- the sum of the values of a random variable divided by the number of values
As an addict I built a fantasy life. My addiction was taking lust and living out fantasies in my mind. How would sex be this way or that way? Combine this with pornorgraphy (video, magazine, "literature") and the fodder for fantasy just continues. I can take images of people walking past or just delve into my mind, I can perform better than any porn star and have more "glorious" sex than any porn star ever could. I can satisfy every partner and be ever satisfied. Then I step back to reality and find guilt shame and the like.
Well, you say, fantasy is good for a healthy sex life. Yeah, I have used fantasy in my sex life, it worked for awhile and made it "hot" but then shame and guilt crept in, we didn't want to go that way, we didn't really want to do those things and we couldn't see a sign that said this road only goes so far. Who knows where that road ends. As a recovering addict I know that it doesn't, you keep looking for the "perfect" event, the one that lives up to all the expectations, the one that throws you into the perfect union and perfects you as a human being. An addict lost in fantasy trying to connect to the unreal, stuck in the world of the real, resentful.
The fantasy makes my expectations unreal, the fantasies are "perfect" and I am not. The fantasies are all about me and love isn't about me. I have to surrender (that word keeps popping up in recovery) my expectations to the real. Love is sacrificial, its about doing the dishes when I get home and they need done (takes 20 minutes) and not being mad about them for the next two hours until someone else does them or I begrudginly spend an hour washing them.
If I truly believe my higher power is God who made everything (that means he made it to work a certain way) then surrendering to Him means that I have to accept the real, I have to make my expectations fit the way the world works. I can no longer expect to do what I want, but I must do what I ought. As my recovery progresses and my life becomes more real the points that lust used to creep into my life increasingly strike me as odd. I am not saying that in a heartbeat I couldn't fall but it is only through continuing surrender that goes deeper and deeper into every part of my life (work, parenting, friendships, marriage, entertainment) that I am able to keep walking the path of recovery.
I can't play with lust and become disillusioned and let expectations about sex creep into my mind. Real sexuality and sex with my wife is meaningful and more beautiful than anything I could do as the pornstar of my mind. When I am really sacrificially expressing my love for my wife I do want to hold her and cuddle with her and spend time with her in other healthy and meaningful ways (yes, talking with her and helping her with chores). Play the tape to the end.
In my mind the sex is 'glorious' all the way to the end but I don't know what happens when it is done, I only know the shame, guilt and resentment that comes from filling my life with the lust. When I am truly loving I know how it ends, I can play that tape to the end, I feel close to my wife and I love her more and more. I accept her for who she is and how she is made. I am truly free, free to be who I am supposed to be and that is my fulfillment.
Under the Mercy,
MS

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm rebuilding my life in a very similar pattern to what you describe here. For the first time since I realized my addiction a month ago, my wife and I made love last night.

She had been avoiding me sexually, as it was hard for her to get past the realization of my depravity. But something clicked last night and our lovemaking was positively, breathtakingly beautiful. No guilt after, just a warm embrace and a drifting off to one of the most peaceful nights of sleep we've had in months.

My strength through this addiction has come only via time in sincere prayer, communing with Jesus and accepting his warm embrace.

Blessings on your journey.