I am addicted to what?

I just realized that I am addicted to the most basic human connection at the deepest level. That is what I am searching for when I act out, I will never find it acting out but that is what I am seeking. Union on the deepest level, the electric feeling of someone that is so part of me that they never end and I never begin, we are just one.

That is what I am looking for, but taking is not the answer, intimacy and true union is. That is something that you give, not to take but only receive.

It is amazing to me how we have so messed up sex, the purpose isn't pleasure but union. The most intense relations are the most giving and intimate....that is the real connection, not something frantic and taking.

In a way all of these phrases can give you insight into how your relationships and physically intimate parts of life will be.

An eye for an eye.
It is in giving that we receive.
The measure we gave is the measure we got back.
Remember, what you do is a boomerang, it comes back.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It has been a long week this week but we keep working, a little at a time, even if for only five minutes.

God grant me the serenity,
MS

Just desserts

At times we just have to try a little bit harder. This past Sunday night we read Step Ten from the White Book. The section on page 133 "I'm the Key" was something that struck out at me. Basically, it details out a recovering addicts experience that illustrates the ammends making principles of the program.

He talks about telling her to shape up or get out, that she was an addict to television and had many other problems. "I had her nailed and felt pretty strongly about the whole thing." He then talks about going on a trip with another addict and having time to talk about the problem with his fellow addict.

He comes to a stark realization, "I was the key, and my attitude was wrong. I was waiting for her to change, not realizing that my very attitude made that impossible."

So, I sat in the meeting and reflected how the different ways I acted towards my wife effected her behavior. The more compassionate and loving I was, even when she appeared out of line to me the better things were and the better resolution to the situations occured. The point wasn't that I was right or I was wrong (many times I could and am in the wrong) but that I had accepted the serenity prayer, the surrender. I really thought more about how I could act even better towards my wife and strengthen our relationship.

Well, the devil has a way with the world. I thought about this more and the devil has a wonderful way of using things against us. I know several people that have made first steps and then acted out. Well, I grew in a bit deeper insight on how I should treat my wife and how I could do better in treating my wife and then I blew it this Monday morning, the very next day.

My wife and became upset with a decision that I made. I acted very poorly because I felt I was getting picked at and became defensive instead of reflecting her concern to her and listening to her (mistake #1). I then brought up my stone wall defenses (mistake #2). Next, I decided to say she was wrong (mistake #3). Now, I decide to poke back (mistake #4). Then I have the gall to bully at her: yelling, name calling, etc (mistake #5). Lastly, I decided not to give her some space to calm down (mistake #6). Well, you get the idea, we argued.

Needless to say we both hurt each other. Words cut very deep. We have both taken our lumps and apologized and forgiven the other. However, I had to cement in a lesson and remember something I said the night before on Sunday night. I have to live this program, not day by day but decision by decision.

I can only change what I do in this life.

God grant me the serenity,
Matthew S

Books and work

Well, they came today.

Facing the Shadows: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery by Patrick Carnes

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes

Time to read the second one and work the workbook that is the first one. Part of me is excited and part of me is scared. I am glad to be digging deeper and working harder but part of me is scared of change. Change is inevitable in digging deeper into who I am as a person and owning my actions.

I can only control the work, the emotions will come but I have to think my response to them out and not react blindly.

God, Grant me the Serenity,
MS

Time to think. . .

At times we go through our days and we are so busy with things to do. We are so busy trying to be what we feel we should be that at times we have to stop and take time to think. I all to often find myself in that spot of wondering where all my time went and wondering what direction I need to go because I have had no time to think. This could be a very dangerous place for me because I don't want to get into the habit of reacting my way through life.

Actually, I have been, for the most part, reacting my through life. Not so much in the big things but in the small day to day grind. Those are the things that get me into trouble, especially if I don't put as much thought into them as I should. The small decisions can pile up bigger than the big ones, force me into a corner on a big decision I don't want to deal with and get me to a place that I am overwhelmed in.

I have certain values that I use to make decisions and I need to make sure I start the beginning of my day with a focus on deliberate actions and making the choices I should and not just trying to get through the day. Something I can change is how I feel about how I responded to the day that I am in.

God, Grant me the serenity.
Under the Mercy,
MS

Getting to the heart of the problem. . .

"Instead of covering our feelings with complusive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began."
-- pg. 204, "The Solution", SA WhiteBook

Sexual acting out is the symptom. It is how we learned to cope with things that we couldn't/didn't deal with. The consequences of that acting out is what made our lives unmanageable and we saw that as the problem. In reality, something deeper was and is pushing and motivating us. We have to get to that and deal with that so that we can truly heal. St. Augustine calls it the hole in our heart that only God can fill.

It is much easier to short circuit things dealing with things, especially stressful things, by acting out. People in our society do it daily, sometimes it is just yelling, fighting, drinking or any number of things. For the sex addict it is acting out sexually (promiscuity, random sex, violent sex, fetish, fantasy, etc). The gratefully recovering addict is learning to deal with things using the actions of love.

Step Eleven

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
-- pg 135, SA WhiteBook

Two things stood out from the reading from Step Eleven tonight. When I say stood out, they jumped off the page at me.

"our concept of God was wrong, and we were lost to the true God."
-- pg 136, SA WhiteBook

This is a huge discovery for me, a Church-going guy. One of the things I have learned is that I have to approach God as I understand Him and come to know him better, slowly, day by day. I can't use God to justify my actions, either sexually acting out or the underlying problems that lead to my want to act out. That is the big thing, I never really sat down and thought God approved of my sexual acting out but I did have a puppet God that approved all my actions that LED to the acting out.

I was always right in situations and deserved to be treated as such. At times I would even feel as though I was God's knight, his champion that was always right in his actions. This is getting further under my skin and closer to the heart of the problem, I want to be admired and always seen as right. This is where humility and surrender get closer to my heart and more uncomfortable. It is also where surrender is more important. I have to take on the role of servant and not master in my life.

"But what if God was for us, not as we saw ourselves, but as we truly were?"
-- Pg. 137, SA WhiteBook

Wow, talk about a packed statement. What if God was for me? What if He did and does care about me? Wow, I have someone that can help me and He is the master of the universe!! News flash, God can't care about me, look at how horrible I am. I am nothing like anything He would ever want around, the only reason I haven't been smited by Him is that he must get some perverse comic relief from watching me stumble around.

Remeber the quote before this one? Yeah, ties right into this. God is for me, and it is never too late. The gospel today was about the raising of Lazurus from the dead. One of the lines that stuck out to me was, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." What a powerful statement. At times that is the way the addict feels in his relatings. I am beyond help, if only you had been here when I was able to be helped God, then maybe you could have done something. That is the misconception of God by the addict. The point is that even though Lazaurus had been dead for four days, God still raised him from the dead. He was not beyond help and neither am I.

God is for me as I am. I simply have to start walking with Him. He loves me even though I am messed up, He can help me, I have to let Him.

Let Go.
Let God.

I am thankful I am sober today.
God, grant me the serenity.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Tonight

Things to do:

1. Order workbook
2. Adjust to time change :(
3. Go to meeting
4. Finish putting together cabinet for wife
5. organize storage room
6. move furniture
7. journal
8. read

I have been doing lots of reading lately while I am at work as a way to prevent my mind from wandering. I have been reading lots of Robert Ludlum and his secret agent styled writings, I wonder if that is really good for me. They are really good but I wonder if I should fanatically read them, I have started to have dreams where I am a secret agent! Sigh, time to eat dinner.

Under the Mercy,

MS

God, Grant me the serenity

Patience

In recovery we are supposed to use the actions of love to replace the actions of lust. The measure we give is the measure we receive.

What is love? Love is patient.

What does it mean that I am supposed to be patient? How does this relate to me as an addict? One of the biggest things I can think of about an addict is that we take things we want, we don't want to wait for things in their proper order, we want things the way we want them to be. We are a generally impatient people.

Something I have found good to practice is when I am going somewhere and their is someone that is going the same place, for instance into the library, but they are behind me a bit, I will slow down and perform an act of kindness. I will get to the door and hold it for them, they are several steps behind me but it makes me stop and WAIT on someone and perform a small act of random reparation anonymously.

This action of finding an opportunity to help someone, taking time to help them and making sure it takes time from me is good. It also has to be a small sacrifice, not for a thank you from a stranger but for that person because they are a person. I usually offer a small prayer for them for God's will or serenity in their life.

Under the Mercy,
MS

God, grant me the serenity....

Tired and Busy

Usually something dangerous, but still working small bits throughout the day. Must not become complacent for the test will come but sweet freedom and serenity feels so much better.

Under the Mercy,
MS

The next test, and the next, and the next. . .

Just because we have surrendered (steps 1, 2 and 3) anything we can get our hands on doesn't mean that we are free from our obsession. We become complacent about surrender and the obsession comes back, a new test, the next test. It will probably present itself in a new and different way but it will come back. The feeling of unease will come back and we either reach for our drug or we surrender. We thought we were free but out of the blue we found a resentment.

At first we never realized that a resentment may have been more of the problem than lusting. In reality lust is just the symptom of the interior death that we experience. We have to learn to take the actions of love, choosing what is best for another for their sake, to heal ourselves. This involves ever growing layers of surrender, it is like peeling an onion.

God grant me the serenity. . . .

Under the Mercy,
MS