What do I do??
One of the reasons that this is an anonymous blog is that many people don't know about my addiction. The list of people that know about it is very small. That is a very comfortable place for me to be and I like it that way. I was over at my parent's house today with the rest of my family and it came time for me to leave for my meeting. I can only attend one meeting a week due to my schedule and it is very important to me to make it.
I didn't know what to say when I was asked where I was going other than to a meeting. The obvious follow-up is, "What kind of meeting?" Not that my paretns are being spiteful about me leaving but I think they are genuinely curious as to what is taking me away from family time.
Well, I lied. I am not comfortable to "outing" myself to my parents, brother and sister-in-law and so I lied. I said I was writing a book (I am) and I was going to a meeting about it (not true but these meetings help me be introspective and thus write). Well, I guess after they left and they were stil curious and asked my wife about it more. I feel bad about doing that I don't know what to do about it. I know I need to apologize to my wife but I need to know how to handle this in the future and I don't know how.
I know I have something to think about, I have to come to grips with my fear or I have to plan an answer.
Under the Mercy,
MS
7 comments:
I completely understand..i was just outed by a crazy schizophrenic i lived with and he just barely escaped a lawsuit when he read the truthful things i wrote about him.
Before my husband and I "outed" ourselves, we'd just say he was going to his weekly guys group. Our church has a lot of different groups throughout the week, and even though his group is held at a counseling center, a lot of the men in it also attend our church. So, this was an easy answer for us.
For me, ditto what sarah said. I'm also reminded of something i was told early in my recovery: adults don't have to explain themselves. I can say "a meeting" and if people ask further, just say "a meeting, don't worry about it". It may seem nuts, and feel uncomfortable at first, but it really is amazing how much i realized that everyone else didn't obsess about me the way i did, so just saying "i've got somewhere to go" was enough. They respected my personal business beyond that.
There has been many things about myself that our Heavenly Father has changed in the last 14 years or so. One of the most dramatic involved cleansing my mouth of all foul language. For it just stopped without any conscious effort on my part; but He left what I am the most ashamed of, which is an overwhelmingly strong complusion for sexual satisfaction. No, it may not be as bad for me as it is for others, and it has decreased significantly; but it is still plenty bad enough for me. Romans 7:14-25 helps me when the guilt gets out-of-hand; and the next chapter (Romans 8:1-39) heaps even more salve on my wounds. What is contained in "my" blog (AsTheCrackerheadCrumbles) may also help; and not just in regards unto this, neither. For it truly is of our Heavenly Father.
There's no right or wrong answers in how to handle such a situation. Discuss it with your sponsor if you have one. Discuss it with your spouse if it's putting her in the middle.
The important thing is that you're going to meetings and taking care of yourself. That is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for your family, even if they don't know about it.
Someone once told me that there is a difference between being honest and being naked. If you are honest with yourself, with your Higher Power and with those in the program, then you are being honest. Nowhere in the program does it say that you have to put yourself in harms way by announcing your addictions to the world. It is an ANONYMOUS program for a reason.
Thanks for sharing!
Peace out!
Dharma
I echo what Paul N said. I am going to a meeting - and I go a noon meeting every weekday - has worked fine.
Yeah, I have a hard time sometimes... mostly because I want to scream out, "I'M A SEX ADDICT!!! I THINK YOU MIGHT BE, TOO!!! I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW AWESOME SAA IS!"
Yeah, I'm crazy. I have to hold back, because if I yell that out, it's gonna mess some relationships up...
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