Blessings

Its been a long two weeks but life is well, if not hectic. Lots of small choices coming up and lots meditating being done in my life. More to come soon, for now I think about this:

• Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

  Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land.

  Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.

  Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have
  their fill.

  Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

  Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.

  Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

  Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is
  the kingdom of heaven.
  

Really, its simple but hard.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Journal 20070822

Its been a long week and its not going to slow down as I am still trying to recover from being sick. I was so worn out at work yesterday and i twas such a busy day due to the move to the new building and working to bring the new systems online. I am well, too tired to act out, tired enough to be mad or angry but I am working to keep that under control, my wife is a blessing in letting me rest.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Conference at Lambeth

Hi all, sorry I haven't written much but it has been busy and I am actually writing a book to help me bring the inside out in regards to the spiritual basis of addiction and working tons of overtime. Ok, well I am not writing on that topic, I am writing on parenthood but it is helpful and inspiriational, at least I think it is, when I get some done I may excerpt it. If you are wondering, its on the beatitudes and fatherhood.


I did find this article at cnn.com and thought that some of you may enjoy reading it as its is about sex and money. I will include one good quote from it here:

Now let me be clear: I like money and sex. No, I LOVE money and sex! But what
happened to the notion of restraint or doing things within boundaries?

I think the thing that is the problem with people using restraint in sex started with Margaret Sanger in 1914 and then started sliding in 1930 at the Anglican Conference in Lambeth when they decided that use of contraception was okay in certain cases. Lets just say that its use has spread across society since then and its removal of consequences has caused things to get out of hand. I need to write more about the connection between objectification and contraception later.

Under the Mercy,
MS

sexaholic sexaholism lust contraception lambeth marital+relations

Psychology Today interview about "crying over spilled semen"

I find the below article very interesting from a natural law perspective. Women who have sexual relations without a condom are happier and less suicidal than woman who are celibate or use condoms.

As a sex addict and a Catholic I think that contraception is morally evil and that it is bad for a sex addict to use. It removes total giving, total acceptance and consequences from sexuality. When I have to make a decision to have relations in the fertile time or only in the infertile time I am taking responsibility and thinking outside of my gratification. This is a blessing for a sex addict in recovery. It brings me to know that sex is indeed optional and when I embrace it I grow.

It appears that a woman who is having sex with her spouse (a truly committed stable relationship and not just living together) would be the happiest if she accepts sex the way it is designed. No putting anything into the middle of it. This recognizes the unitive (mutual self-giving) and procreative design (mutual self-donation) of the marital act.

It also shows how the woman who has sex without a condom doesn't become as depressed when she ends one relationship, hmmmmm, accepting sex is more bonding?

Link below.

Under the Mercy,

MS

nfp sexaholic sexaholism natural+family+planning addiction+recovery condoms psychological+effects+sex sex semen depression

This link is from Psychology Today
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20021002-000009.html

Click the link above (or copy-and-paste into your internet browser)
to see the full article of:

Title: Crying Over Spilled Semen

Summary: Why women who don't use condoms feel happier.

Journal 20070913

I just don't know how to really deal with resentment, its hard because its an engrained pattern in my way of being. I get frustrated and resent a situation or person, dwelling on a real or imagined wrong, I live in it and make it the focus of my mind. What is it going to take to overcome this. I am fightingalmost 30 years of living and behaving this way. So, I surrender, I make amends and amend my life to do better, it is still hard because I fall down again.

Resentment is the basis of my addiction, I acted out to get away from the resentment, the physical high is unreal and it cemented the pattern in my being, I can deal with lust, but it makes the resentment bubble to the surface and I have to deal with it.

Under the Mercy,
MS

lust addiction+recovery sexaholic sexaholism porn 12steps resentment

Do I really have to start over????

I hate being an addict! I really don't think you understand that I HATE being an addict. You see, the problem is that I think that I have this under control and have 8 months of sobriety under my belt (my drug of choice is fantasy with being lusted after as the major element) and I am thinking that I am getting things under control and working the program like it needs to be worked.

Well, in some ways I get to start over, back to the beginning. Re-work the steps, learn a new perspective and keep working on my life. I had a busy weekend and figured out that I had failed in not doing more to work on an honest, open and strong male relationship I had promised my wife I would build.

I publicly got irritated at this person's, what I was calling harrasment, insistence that I do something when I am not currently able to commit to it for a weekend. My wife confronted me for embarassing her by raising the tone of my voice, I wasn't derogatory but I was tired, annoyed and louder than conversational. I tried to justify my lack of response to one line e-mails asking how I was doing by pointing out the fact that I was promised more by him (in person or phone contact) but in reality I was making little to no effort on my part. I also got agitated by my wife bringing this up and delaying my leaving for my SA meeting.

My wife, God love her, saw this and called a time-out. I was going to simply drag myself to and through the meeting and go straight to bed out of spite to her. However, the meeting was on the spiritual basis of addiction and I ended up getting the shell broke down of the fortress I had built up. The section we read from takes the sexual acting-out out of the addictive process and shows the cycle of resentment (the underlying factor in toxic shame) and shows how it works in the addictive process.

I realized that I was holding resentment and breaking away from others, using it as a barrier to intimacy with people around me. I was going to then be in a position to be resentful and anything I didn’t like in an agitated state I would resent more. This is the underlying cycle of toxic shame, act out then feel bad so I need to act out. In a way I was acting out without participating in my addiction of fantasy and masturbation.

So, I begin again but I am not starting over, I am just going deeper. God love all of you that read this, and your many notes of encouragement. It has been busy around here and it has been slow blogging.

Under the Mercy,
MS


12steps 12+steps sex+addiction sexaholic sexaholism lust recovery porn+addiction spiritual+addiction resentment sa intimacy