Meeting last night on Step Two

"Came to believe that a power reater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

When I first started the program ever so long ago I wanted 12 steps, 12 things I had to do that would save me and change me and then I was done. What I got was a way to make me whole again in every part of my life: a father, a son, a husband, a co-worker, an employee and on and on.

Instead of trying to do this myself and changing how I dealt with stress by being a butthead or acting out in a different way I needed to realize the need for surrender. I was trying to do it my way.

I Their are two types of crosses, the human cross is the one I make. When I want things a certain way or try to deal with things on my own. The other is the human and divine cross, it is the one set for me by God. In it I can find true freedom and true joy and true peace. When I surrender my right to do it my way and accept who I am made to be and how God made me.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Surrender

Yes, free will is something that is necessary for recovery but so is surrender. I ammust surrender my right to feel this way, surrender my right to be pleased, surrender my right to lust, surrender my right to be lusted after, surrender my right to be right, and the list goes on and on.

No matter how terrible it may be, I have to surrender my right so that I can recover, possession is the addicts weakness, as long as I feel I have a right to possess I am possessed by lust.

Under the Mercy,

MS

What do I do??

One of the reasons that this is an anonymous blog is that many people don't know about my addiction. The list of people that know about it is very small. That is a very comfortable place for me to be and I like it that way. I was over at my parent's house today with the rest of my family and it came time for me to leave for my meeting. I can only attend one meeting a week due to my schedule and it is very important to me to make it.

I didn't know what to say when I was asked where I was going other than to a meeting. The obvious follow-up is, "What kind of meeting?" Not that my paretns are being spiteful about me leaving but I think they are genuinely curious as to what is taking me away from family time.

Well, I lied. I am not comfortable to "outing" myself to my parents, brother and sister-in-law and so I lied. I said I was writing a book (I am) and I was going to a meeting about it (not true but these meetings help me be introspective and thus write). Well, I guess after they left and they were stil curious and asked my wife about it more. I feel bad about doing that I don't know what to do about it. I know I need to apologize to my wife but I need to know how to handle this in the future and I don't know how.

I know I have something to think about, I have to come to grips with my fear or I have to plan an answer.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Blessings

Its been a long two weeks but life is well, if not hectic. Lots of small choices coming up and lots meditating being done in my life. More to come soon, for now I think about this:

• Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

  Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land.

  Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.

  Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have
  their fill.

  Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

  Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.

  Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

  Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is
  the kingdom of heaven.
  

Really, its simple but hard.

Under the Mercy,
MS

Journal 20070822

Its been a long week and its not going to slow down as I am still trying to recover from being sick. I was so worn out at work yesterday and i twas such a busy day due to the move to the new building and working to bring the new systems online. I am well, too tired to act out, tired enough to be mad or angry but I am working to keep that under control, my wife is a blessing in letting me rest.

Under the Mercy,
MS