Sex. What it is and what it means.

One of the things that I never really expected to dive into when I started this process of recovery was figuring out what my sexuality was. I knew what sex was, my problem was just when, where, how, what and who I expressed with. Pictures, videos, etc are out and my wife is in. Well, if you aren't married, let me tell you right now, it doesn't mean anything goes.

Marriage isn't a continuous night after night fest of sexual acts that are pleasurable and life changing. (Sex can be life changing but that usually comes about 9 months later). I guess the best way to think about it is to think about sex as a flower. You can walk down the street and pick up a flower off the ground but it probably has dirt on it and it isn't going to live long. It is beautiful and an intense sight but it dies and withers away.

Really, the work of intimacy and acts of service need to be undertaken. This is growing a plant. making it strong and tall. The bloom develops and blooms, that is where true union, sex as the fruit of love and intimacy is found. This is the true place that sex belongs. It is a beautiful and living thing. As it fades and begins to wither another bloom on the plant is to be found but the story of the last is not over, as it fades on the branch a seed is planted that can form a new bush that can grow and bloom again. The plant or bush is the work of love and intimacy, the flower, the fruit.

One of the things my therapist said today was that from the days of my addictive behavior their are neural pathways that as they go into disuse will atrophy but are "wired" into my brain. As I live my life the way I am supposed to an alternate and appropriate pathway for sexuality will be developed. The other one may never disappear but the new one will become more dominant.

God, Grant me the serenity,

MS

Recovered?

Hopefully not for many years. That isn't to say that I don't want to work the program or just act out and forget it all. I am too blessed in my life to do that. No, I know I won't be recovered until I am, God willing and depending on His mercy, standing in His presence forever in eternity.

No, my addiction is His mercy working in my life. I encounter God in my addiction. It shows me my weakness and God reaches me through it. He shows me how to be a better person. One part of the white book makes a statement to the effect that lust was just a symptom of the problem. Our true problem is our diseased attitudes.

I am learning how to truly be a father, husband, brother, son, lover, so on and so on to include every role in my life because of this addiction. I am still far from perfect and striving to be better. I don't want to be recovered and I don't want to act out ever again. I want to be a gratefully recovering addict. I would rather spend my life gratefully recovering and be a better person than be "recovered" but never better myself as a person.

This will be with me every day and so will working recovery. Sometimes going all the way is just the start.

God, grant me the serenity,

MS

Sex is for what?

Sex is for fun, right? It is all about the pleasure? Come on, you are married and can have all the fun you want, sex is your benefit and right!!

STOP, that is all wrong.

Let's try this again. Sex is fun. Sex is pleasurable. You are married, you can have sex whenever its agreed to by your spouse and it is a benefit but not of being married. Sex is a benefit of working on a good relationship with her spouse.

Every now and then when I am leaving work about 11 at night the station that I was on has the sex/relationship advice show, Loveline. Every now and then their is a call of a 16-20 yo female calling in and complaining about how she doesn't have an orgasm with intercourse. The host talks about a need for her to be comfortable with the relationship and herself and to just grow up a little.

One thing my wife and I have discovered is that sex isn't all about me or about her. It can be somewhat 'routine' but it isn't mundane. We want to give ourselves to each other because of our relationship. I don't mean just the fact that we are husband and wife but because we do things together and for each other throughout the day and appreciate what the other does.

Sex becomes the fruit of the work that we do in marriage, an extension of the expression of our love. It isn't how crazy can we get, how can I satisfy myself, or we need a new toy so we can take this to the new level. It simply becomes about a connection with each other that is fulfilling with each other.

I often joke with my wife about the fact that during sex I know the combination to her safe, yes, it may be routine but it is routinely satisfying. The reason, we love each other and Sex is the fruit of the relationship and not the basis of the relationship.

God grant me the serenity,

MS

I am addicted to what?

I just realized that I am addicted to the most basic human connection at the deepest level. That is what I am searching for when I act out, I will never find it acting out but that is what I am seeking. Union on the deepest level, the electric feeling of someone that is so part of me that they never end and I never begin, we are just one.

That is what I am looking for, but taking is not the answer, intimacy and true union is. That is something that you give, not to take but only receive.

It is amazing to me how we have so messed up sex, the purpose isn't pleasure but union. The most intense relations are the most giving and intimate....that is the real connection, not something frantic and taking.

In a way all of these phrases can give you insight into how your relationships and physically intimate parts of life will be.

An eye for an eye.
It is in giving that we receive.
The measure we gave is the measure we got back.
Remember, what you do is a boomerang, it comes back.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It has been a long week this week but we keep working, a little at a time, even if for only five minutes.

God grant me the serenity,
MS

Just desserts

At times we just have to try a little bit harder. This past Sunday night we read Step Ten from the White Book. The section on page 133 "I'm the Key" was something that struck out at me. Basically, it details out a recovering addicts experience that illustrates the ammends making principles of the program.

He talks about telling her to shape up or get out, that she was an addict to television and had many other problems. "I had her nailed and felt pretty strongly about the whole thing." He then talks about going on a trip with another addict and having time to talk about the problem with his fellow addict.

He comes to a stark realization, "I was the key, and my attitude was wrong. I was waiting for her to change, not realizing that my very attitude made that impossible."

So, I sat in the meeting and reflected how the different ways I acted towards my wife effected her behavior. The more compassionate and loving I was, even when she appeared out of line to me the better things were and the better resolution to the situations occured. The point wasn't that I was right or I was wrong (many times I could and am in the wrong) but that I had accepted the serenity prayer, the surrender. I really thought more about how I could act even better towards my wife and strengthen our relationship.

Well, the devil has a way with the world. I thought about this more and the devil has a wonderful way of using things against us. I know several people that have made first steps and then acted out. Well, I grew in a bit deeper insight on how I should treat my wife and how I could do better in treating my wife and then I blew it this Monday morning, the very next day.

My wife and became upset with a decision that I made. I acted very poorly because I felt I was getting picked at and became defensive instead of reflecting her concern to her and listening to her (mistake #1). I then brought up my stone wall defenses (mistake #2). Next, I decided to say she was wrong (mistake #3). Now, I decide to poke back (mistake #4). Then I have the gall to bully at her: yelling, name calling, etc (mistake #5). Lastly, I decided not to give her some space to calm down (mistake #6). Well, you get the idea, we argued.

Needless to say we both hurt each other. Words cut very deep. We have both taken our lumps and apologized and forgiven the other. However, I had to cement in a lesson and remember something I said the night before on Sunday night. I have to live this program, not day by day but decision by decision.

I can only change what I do in this life.

God grant me the serenity,
Matthew S