Conference at Lambeth

Hi all, sorry I haven't written much but it has been busy and I am actually writing a book to help me bring the inside out in regards to the spiritual basis of addiction and working tons of overtime. Ok, well I am not writing on that topic, I am writing on parenthood but it is helpful and inspiriational, at least I think it is, when I get some done I may excerpt it. If you are wondering, its on the beatitudes and fatherhood.


I did find this article at cnn.com and thought that some of you may enjoy reading it as its is about sex and money. I will include one good quote from it here:

Now let me be clear: I like money and sex. No, I LOVE money and sex! But what
happened to the notion of restraint or doing things within boundaries?

I think the thing that is the problem with people using restraint in sex started with Margaret Sanger in 1914 and then started sliding in 1930 at the Anglican Conference in Lambeth when they decided that use of contraception was okay in certain cases. Lets just say that its use has spread across society since then and its removal of consequences has caused things to get out of hand. I need to write more about the connection between objectification and contraception later.

Under the Mercy,
MS

sexaholic sexaholism lust contraception lambeth marital+relations

Psychology Today interview about "crying over spilled semen"

I find the below article very interesting from a natural law perspective. Women who have sexual relations without a condom are happier and less suicidal than woman who are celibate or use condoms.

As a sex addict and a Catholic I think that contraception is morally evil and that it is bad for a sex addict to use. It removes total giving, total acceptance and consequences from sexuality. When I have to make a decision to have relations in the fertile time or only in the infertile time I am taking responsibility and thinking outside of my gratification. This is a blessing for a sex addict in recovery. It brings me to know that sex is indeed optional and when I embrace it I grow.

It appears that a woman who is having sex with her spouse (a truly committed stable relationship and not just living together) would be the happiest if she accepts sex the way it is designed. No putting anything into the middle of it. This recognizes the unitive (mutual self-giving) and procreative design (mutual self-donation) of the marital act.

It also shows how the woman who has sex without a condom doesn't become as depressed when she ends one relationship, hmmmmm, accepting sex is more bonding?

Link below.

Under the Mercy,

MS

nfp sexaholic sexaholism natural+family+planning addiction+recovery condoms psychological+effects+sex sex semen depression

This link is from Psychology Today
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20021002-000009.html

Click the link above (or copy-and-paste into your internet browser)
to see the full article of:

Title: Crying Over Spilled Semen

Summary: Why women who don't use condoms feel happier.

Do I really have to start over????

I hate being an addict! I really don't think you understand that I HATE being an addict. You see, the problem is that I think that I have this under control and have 8 months of sobriety under my belt (my drug of choice is fantasy with being lusted after as the major element) and I am thinking that I am getting things under control and working the program like it needs to be worked.

Well, in some ways I get to start over, back to the beginning. Re-work the steps, learn a new perspective and keep working on my life. I had a busy weekend and figured out that I had failed in not doing more to work on an honest, open and strong male relationship I had promised my wife I would build.

I publicly got irritated at this person's, what I was calling harrasment, insistence that I do something when I am not currently able to commit to it for a weekend. My wife confronted me for embarassing her by raising the tone of my voice, I wasn't derogatory but I was tired, annoyed and louder than conversational. I tried to justify my lack of response to one line e-mails asking how I was doing by pointing out the fact that I was promised more by him (in person or phone contact) but in reality I was making little to no effort on my part. I also got agitated by my wife bringing this up and delaying my leaving for my SA meeting.

My wife, God love her, saw this and called a time-out. I was going to simply drag myself to and through the meeting and go straight to bed out of spite to her. However, the meeting was on the spiritual basis of addiction and I ended up getting the shell broke down of the fortress I had built up. The section we read from takes the sexual acting-out out of the addictive process and shows the cycle of resentment (the underlying factor in toxic shame) and shows how it works in the addictive process.

I realized that I was holding resentment and breaking away from others, using it as a barrier to intimacy with people around me. I was going to then be in a position to be resentful and anything I didn’t like in an agitated state I would resent more. This is the underlying cycle of toxic shame, act out then feel bad so I need to act out. In a way I was acting out without participating in my addiction of fantasy and masturbation.

So, I begin again but I am not starting over, I am just going deeper. God love all of you that read this, and your many notes of encouragement. It has been busy around here and it has been slow blogging.

Under the Mercy,
MS


12steps 12+steps sex+addiction sexaholic sexaholism lust recovery porn+addiction spiritual+addiction resentment sa intimacy

Of Late

Life has been hectic around the house. I was up late as I worked overtime last night. When I last entered into recovery I told my wife I would be accountable to her for my actions. This worked well for a time and I had measures in place. This is not an excuse but an accounting of what has happened recently.



Things have been pretty busy around here recently. As such I wasn't as forthright and regular on my being accountable. Between house guests and overtime I just plain forgot somedays. Some of the safeguards I put into place (e-reminder on the Zaurus) somehow got turned off (I had set it up to synchronize with Outlook and Google and that is what did it) and it never struck me to turn it back on. None of this is an excuse because I didn't adjust and keep doing what I had said I would do, regular (daily) accountability. This just means that I would touch base with her and let her know what was going on with me.

So, yesterday (Sunday) morning before Mass my wife tells me that she needs to talk to me and that she didn't feel safe, was feeling anxious because of my failing at being accountable and boundaries were reestablished until I had that habit back (i.e. sex was off limits). I immediately became volatile with emotion, this is a very hard place for an addict to be.

"I don't like her attitude about this." "She is just being mean and treating sex as an object, wow, maybe she is the addict." "I have dignity and she is treating me like something to be manipulated." "I am working recovery here and yes, I had a minor chink but she is being a *^&%&%*&." All of these thoughts and more racing through my head, I had just told her that I knew I had been lacking in my accountability and would do a better job, oh wait, that had been three days ago. It didn't help any that I had lots of things to do and I had a sore part of my body that was causing me a decent amount of pain.

Their is a principle for an addict, HALT, Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, that is a warning that acting out may be something that will be tempting. I was ANGRY, TIRED and LONELY. It was tempting when my wife left to go spend time with her brother, mother and sister to just sit down and act out, just plain straight-laced go at it. I knew that I wouldn't get another thing done. Soooo, I sat down, still mad as all get out but not having given into the temptation to lash out, and picked several things to do that would be of benefit to and that my wife had wanted to get done. I moved a sleeper sofa, began to steam clean it, weeded the frontyard and began to clean the garage. I really busted my tail, the only thing I didn't get done was emptying the dishwasher and reloading it.

I did make it to my meeting last night, and I had a chance to talk to my wife. I was able to surrender my anger, righteous or not it doesn't really matter, and ask for forgiveness for my failing. I am further or more deeply surrendering my sex life with my wife, it is indeed optional and can be taken from me at any moment. Sex is not something I or anyone else have as a right.

I would say that in some ways it is currency. Its not something we buy and sell or use to get what we want, that is the counterfeit that society has bought into. No, it is part of the currency of love, giving of oneself for the benefit of the other. It is the fruit of the harvest, it takes lots of work to get their but if you do the work, the bounty is plentiful. Back to doing more work.

Under the Mercy,

Matthew S


Journal anger accountability sexaholic sexaholism pain intimacy sex+addiction love sex addiction+recovery lust lonely tired

Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Forgive me Father for I am a worm. This is a dangerous and crucial step for recovery. By the time the addict gets to here they should/need to have lots of support around them. The danger is depression and temptation to relapse as the addict's drug is how they deal with feeling bad ("The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it." P 203 SA White Book). That is why this step should not be walked alone.

Their is something that is freed when another person knows that I have done wrong, done really wrong ("The Sexaholic takes himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong." P.202 SA White Book) and still looks at me with accepting love for me as another human being. When they see me as a human being and not the worm I see in the mirror it allows me an opportunity to see myself as human.

The other important thing that occurs here is honesty with God, He already knows but now I am being honest with the One that knows me and made me. Here I ask for forgiveness for not being who I was made to be. I think that is at the heart of addiction, not being true to who you are made to be. My root addiction is lust, inordinate sexual craving, and I act outside of what my sexual passion should be, and I cannot stop but I must ("So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop." P. 202 SA White Book).

I have taken myself out of reality, here I know where I am so that I can begin the journey to who I am supposed to be.

Under the Mercy,

MS

12steps 12+steps sexaholic sexaholism porn+addiction step5 step+5 step+five lust

A quick note

I am still here and very much alive, overtime is making things rough to get done but I am getting a routine down so that I can keep up posting. My biggest fear right now is getting tired and worn out. I am fortunate that I have my wife, she is a gift from God that helps me keep my mind straight. I have chores to do and must get to them but I thought I would drop a note in and pass along this news item that I found.

Under the Mercy,

MS

sexaholic sexaholism pornography sex+addiction lust news Catholic+bishop

Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Now we get to some hard work. In some ways this could easily become a list of faults and failings and nothing more. I think that would be a mistake, a missed opportunity for growth. I am not saying that it is unimportant to know where you have failed but I think we need to dig deeper.

In step one we recount places that we have failed to show how our life has become unmanageable due to lust. Here we can take that and see where our insides our and see what our true moral standards are, we can learn our true current standards by how we act and not what we profess. This shows us where we truly are on the journey.

For me I professed that masturbation was inherently wrong. However, in reality I didn't have a problem with it and in reality my behavior made it look like a good thing. It wasn't just masturbation but objectifying women and thinking of them doing things to me, lusting and wanting to be lusted after.

This point of my inventory wasn't to show me that, "Oh well, I guess masturbation is okay and this isn't a problem." The point was to show me that I had work to do, I may fail but I need to work myself back to my standard. The other thing it showed me was how lust allowed me (lust didn't do this but I did) to take steps away from Truth.

This shows me that when I began to lust and masturbate I lowered my standard. This allowed me to take further steps from pornography to fantasy. I began to lead a double life, a life of secrecy, and secrecy is a hallmark of lustful actions. Now the question laying in front of me and seperately in front of my wife was: How far away will you go?

Would I go to an affair when fantasy didn't bring the high and an opportunity presented itself? What was I capable of? This helps to build resolve in my being, to make me stronger to not go further than I am now.

However, I have to take that resolve and stand up with it and work to reclaim what I profess in the actions of secrecy, they must, one at a time, begin to match what I profess.

I must not see a beautiful woman and wonder what she wants to do to me sexually but instead thank God for her beauty, have awe for His creation. I have to attatch feelings of respect and remember that she is someone's daughter and was lovingly held by a father who, not unlike me, loves his daughter completely.

I don't want my daughters to be hurt the way I have hurt my wife and in some ways I have to surrender the ultimate fact that this is partly out of my control. On the other hand I have to have the courage to be a man of integrity so that my daughters will see that, respect it and come to be attracted to or have that as their standard.

That is what is important about this step today, to keep going on the journey back to morality. To striving day by day to be the man I profess, it will be the journey of my life but it is the journey I am choosing. I choose the narrow way, the road less traveled.

Under the mercy,

M S

step+four 12steps 12+step lust sexaholic sexaholism sex+addiction step+4 masturbation

Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

At times it seems that the journey to recovery requires what seems like superhuman abilities to me, the addict. Step three is a place to learn that we don't have to be superhuman to be in recovery from our addiction. Trying to be superhuman hasn't worked, we can't be in recovery and white knuckle it. Here we are asked to come as you are.

As love cripples not only do we not know how to love but we really don't know how to be loved. Here we are able to admit that we don't fully understand God. In truth, we hardly know him and we definitely don't feel loved by God. As an addict at times and it is very easy to feel this way, I feel very alone and unloved.

Here is were I extend what little I know of intimacy and make myself vulnerable to God. As a Catholic, that is confession and adoration of Jesus. I have to rend my garments, the defenses and secrecy of lust, and present myself naked before God. This is an act of surrender, coming to God as I am as I know Him. This is how I can begin to grow personally and in knowledge of Him who saves me and helps purify my defects.

Under the Mercy.

12+steps sex+addiction lust recovery step+three higher+power god jesus+christ confession sexaholic sexaholism

Journal 20070701

Tonight, I went to my weekly meeting. Tonight one of our members gave his first step. I know that this was hard for him to do. It took up most of the meeting and his recounting encompassed probably over 30 hand-written pages. This step was a recounting, a disclosure, of how life had become unmanageable by lust. It is amazing how deep his hurt had become. How much pain had he experienced in his life. How lust had overcome him. Many people I know and popular culture would have you think that all of these activities: pornography (still and video), fooling around, masturbation and yes even some people prostitution; are all perfectly normal and legitimate activites for people to partake in.

This realization hascome to me that those of us in the meeting are sexaholics. Just like those working steps in AA are alcoholics. Their are many people out their that are drunks that are not alcoolics, alcoholics go to meetings. Many people in our society are sex drunks, sex addicts, they just haven't admited that they have a problem. Their are people I know that sexual fulfillment is how they feel loved or how they find meaning in their life. They do not see the bigger purpose and that sexual fullfillment comes out of their intimacy with another. Being "intimate" isn't about laying someone down, spreading their legs and ravaging their body so that you have a pleasurable experience.

This is not to say that one can be in the fruits of intimacy in one moment and then something can change or happen that makes them begin to lust. I have had that experience and it was hard to surrender it. WIth his mercy and the true love of my wife I was able to get to that.
I love you, my dearling.

And to those out their struggling, keep coming back it works if you work it. And you are worth it.

Under the Mercy,
M

step+one 12+steps sexaholic sexaholism alcoholic journal lust intimacy

Journal 20070628

One of my favorite songs from adolescence is For Crying out Loud as performed by MeatLoaf. It still to this day strikes a chord in my heart. However, as I grow and mature I have come to realize that it describes the addict in me and my true self. It is a portrayal of the conflict inside my being.

I am thankful that I have found my wife for she found me at a time when I was able to give myself to her but the addict soon returned, and I didn't realize I was an addict. I am thankful for her as she has helped/pushed/moved me to work this program of recovery. I have learned more about myself by knowing her, by having children with her and by experiencing true love from her.

I was lost till you were found
But I never knew how far down
I was falling
Before I reached the bottom

I was cold and you were fire
And I never knew how the pyre
Could be burning
On the edge of the ice field. . .

I truly felt this way, I had a poor self image of myself, I placed my self-image in her. In some ways my self-image is still tied to her, I am still working on my own self-image. Having a positive self-image is something that is hard to do when you are an addict, you hate yourself for the pain you cause and the slave you are inside.

. . . Oh I know you belong inside my aching heart
And
cant you see my faded levis bursting apart
And dont you hear me crying:
Oh babe, dont go
And dont you hear me screaming:
How was I to know?

I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But theres
a border to somewhere waiting
And theres a tankful of time
Oh give me
just another moment to see the light of the day
And take me to another land
where I dont have to stay

I tied up all my fear and all my hope and ll my being in my wife and her approval, I was alone without her adoration of me. I wanted to be lusted after, I made myself a God. Really, I wanted myself to be a God to her. In reality I was all alone and a crying little boy, I had stopped growing up. Lust had stopped my development as a person.

And Im gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes,
Open up the sky
and let the planet that I love shine through

For crying out loud
You
know I love you

This is the thing that every addict says. Everytime they are asked to stop, they mean it when they say they will. They really do mean it. The problem is that they mean it so that they will have your approval and the high will come from you, they are still searching for the high. They have to admit that seeking the high has made things unmanageable. They have to surrender it, show real intimacy and not seeking the high.

For pulling me away when Im starting to fall
For revving
me up when Im starting to stall
And all in all
For that I want you

For taking and for giving and for playing the game
For praying for
my future in the days that remain
Oh lord

For that I hold you

To hold and to want. Two of the things that addict always wanted, these actions are things that can be a product of addiction and they can be a product of intimacy. I can participate in the marital embrace and it can be the most lustful acting out ever or it can be a fruit of intimacy and love between my wife and I. Sex is not inimacy, it is a fruit of intimacy. I thank my wife for sticking with me and praying for me and for keeping me going forward in recovery.

Ah but most of all
For cryin out loud
For that I
love you

When youre crying out loud
You know I love you

I really, really love my wife, she is my other half, I do not know where I end and she begins. That is the truth, even when she is not by my side she is on my heart, pressed upon it. My thoughts are of concern for her, for her welfare.

Under the Mercy

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Lust Versus Intimacy

One of the biggest things addiction to lust, more commonly know as Sex Addicts or Sexaholics, does to a person is it makes them incapable of sharing with anyone else who they really are. It could be due to embarrassment, shame, guilt or a variety of other reasons but the sex addict disconnects and begins to connect to the unreal to make him or herself feel real or whole.

Don’t get me wrong, at times the Sexaholic can connect with other people very well. I have personally experienced many times that I connected to those around me; the problem was a small period of time that came afterward when I would have self-doubt. That self-doubt is about the other person not connecting with the real me, with what I really wanted, the pleasure, the lust, the acting out. In reality the other person had connected with the real me, the cripple, the part of me that I allowed to define me that was not the real me.

I was ashamed of the things I had done in secret, those were the things that I kept to myself and never shared with anyone else. If I had ever shared them I would have risked my status as a person, the funny thing is that it increased the addiction, allowed it to have more control over me and made the risk greater, I just thought I was controlling it.

The answer to the problem is sharing oneself, your true self. I had to learn to share all of me, who I am and the addict. The true me was on the inside, I was scared of the acting out and the addiction, the things that I had done in my life or fantasized about. I was beginning to let the addiction define me; I was losing my life and my identity.

The sharing of ME is where intimacy comes into play. Lust, the addiction, was where I took from others what I wanted of them as an object and took from them what I wanted for me. My conscience was withered inside me but it made me feel bad in what small ways it could, because I never felt quite right about having used someone, be it internet pornography or any other way of acting out.

I had to learn to integrate myself and be honest with those closest to me. I had to learn how to share myself, this is intimacy, the SPICES of life (Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Sexual). This began in the group. This began by sharing all of who I was in the group. I came to learn to share myself, my sins and my successes, I learned it didn’t kill me for others to know how bad I was. I have learned to replace old patterns with new ones. Instead of internet pornography, I share some of myself here. Instead of using the internet in secret I am here with my daughter across from me working on her schoolwork and my wife a little further beyond her.

Instead of lusting after women, I attach feelings to them. They are someone’s little girl and I know how I would feel about someone who treated my little girls the way I have treated others, even though the little girl in question is a “consenting adult”. I am surrendering myself and amazingly it has been given back to me.

Under the Mercy.

Lust	Intimacy
Avoid Consequences	Accepting Consequences
Protect Self	Make Self Vulnerable
Opaque	Transparent
Share Part of Self	Share Whole Self
Take	Give
Conquer	Surrender
Self-Centered	Other-Centered
Reacting to Feelings	Attaching Feelings
Secrecy	Honesty

sex+addiction sexaholic sexaholism lust intimacy step+one secrecy 12+steps meetings journal

Journal 20070621

The kids are sick, one of them just vomited on the carpet in the front room. I just finished cleaning that up and I am working on school assignments with the oldest child. I am exhausted, probably ready to come down sick myself but unable to as every instance of sick time at work has a negative impact this year. It is just the way the policy is. Needless to say part of me is all out of sorts and the other part of me is fairly calm. Its just the out of sorts part of me is retty big.

Its not like I am chomping to act out or going crazy or anything but I just want to get in bed, pull up the covers and be left alone for about 15 hours. With my job, a short temper is a recipe for acting out or getting in trouble. Something to surrender I guess, hopefully I will have some quiet time to pray before I take off for work, but I doubt it. Will have to do that as I work. I pray for strength, I am tired.

Under the Mercy

journal sexaholic sex+addiction recovery lust

Journal 20070620

Today my life is a just a little bit harder in some ways than it was yesterday, but it is easier or more normal in other ways. It is time for me to integrate living in a more normal life and keeping up sobriety. This is one of those ways, replacing the old habits, the bad ones, with new ones. Honesty is replaced by deception, reality by a counterfeit. I wish some of my coworkers would learn this lesson as well, I don't want them to learn it as painfully as I did but I wish they would learn it.

Two related articles on addiction, though it just calls it "pornography" addiction and a silent killer, remember that the real problem is lust.

http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/newssentinel/living/17394054.htm

and

http://mondaymorninginsight.com/index.php/site/comments/the_silent_killer_in_our_churches/

and

http://stevengibbs.typepad.com/steven_gibbs/2007/06/the_porn_talk.html

Under the Mercy.




lust journal sexaholic pornography addicyion

Jounral 20070618 "The F-word"

Today, my wife and I had our couple’s counseling appointment. I really didn’t want to go, not in the least. Well, not because I am through with my marriage or anything but because I just want everything to be back to normal, I want the magical pill, the Viagra of relationships. I want the magical pill that cures everything wrong between us and makes us magically back together during a 30-second commercial.

Anyway, we are more and more hopeful, less fearful, resentful and angry. The session went
well. However, the dreaded F-word came up. This word is probably the one that a sex-addicts wife has the hardest time with, it is something that an addict truly craves. The F-word is
FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness is something that is hard to define, what does it mean?

Does it mean that we go back to the way it was before we had the blow-up? Does it mean that we choose to love each other anyway without regard for the fault? I am diving deeper into me for this one. When I forgive my wife, I give up any right I have to be angry. I may still be mad
about the situation and I still understand that there are consequences but I forgive the person, not the action.

In some ways it is something I do more for me than for the forgiven. Don’t get me wrong, I know it benefits them but it is for me and for my healing as well. L pointed out that there is a difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. D has always had trouble with what forgiveness means but I think we realized that reconciliation is what we are working on now instead of calling it forgiveness.

As we walked out we looked at the Lilies planted next to wheelchair ramp outside the building, they are bigger plants than the ones I have at home, they have had years to grow and mine are brand new this year. Dawn looked at me and stated that she felt even more hopeful for us. After reading last night’s post she said she felt more hopeful and now she is even more hopeful. Yes, through time we are growing, individually and together, bigger and stronger.

Under the Mercy.

journal diary lust abstinance forgiveness sex+addiction 12+steps

Journal 20071017

Sexual Emotions.

These are not emotions in the truest sense of the word emotion but are desires that can be triggers. In some way they are things that are out of control that sex addicts try to meet or find in lusting.

One of the hardest things about being a sex addict is that the ultimate expression of my addiction is something that is built into every human being. We are made as sexual creatures. Sex itself isn't the problem but misplaced driving forces behind it are the problem.

If I were an alcoholic I would be addicted to alcohol but the consumption of alcohol isn't coded into the very fact of humanity. Sexuality is coded into my very being. It is a strong power that God has given to us so that we can share our very being. It is so strong that it is designed to bring out new life in this world.

The "sexual emotions" are things that I mistake for true intimacy. Sexual intercourse, the marriage act, should be a fruit of intimacy (caring/giving/loving) my wife but I feel that at times my yearning is from these "sexual emotions". Maybe it would be better to call them sexualised desires, for that is what they really are. Emotionally, I have a need to be accepted, loved and wanted and that is a hard thing for me to deal with right now when my wife is sexually unavailable to me by her choice. I have assented to that choice intellectually but I also know that I desire her.

Earlier, I posted about my fear of having lust removed from my being. I wonder in some ways if what I was and still am holding onto is in some ways me wanting to retain my lust in a small way. I want my wife to desire to be with me, I want to feel accepted and loved by her. I wonder if that is in some ways lust. I already know the answer to that question. It is just another form of lust.

I am not saying that it is bad to be comforted by being accepted or to feel loved. What I am saying is that I have to surrender that feeling, that need so that it doesn't drive me. Otherwise, I will just end up lusting after the next fix.

My wife tld me the other night to stop pressuring her for sex. I didn't think I was doing that but now I see that I was. I wasn't telling her that I was struggling or needed her to keep from acting out but I asked her to make love with me. I was trying to have my desire to be loved, wanted or accepted fed.

I hate being abstinate with my wife when it is a choice and not for a "good reason" but I know that it is a good thing for me. It has given me a chance to dig deeper than I ever have before, it is boiling to the surface all the different ways that I have acted and the 'modes' of my addiction. I now know, by trusting in God, that I will not lose desire for my wife by the removal of lust from my being.

All of this is scary but it is making my life deeper and richer. I am understanding more about myself all the time. Eah step seems like it will kill or distort me but it is making me what I truly want. It is making me more and more who I am supposed to be.

I am grateful for my wife. I am grateful for the meeting I attended tonight and eceryone that was in attendance. K used the phrase "sexual emotions" in passing but God spoke it in my heart and it revealed something to me. God bless you. If you are reading this please say a prayer for me and please say one for my wife. Let us both find healing in ourselves and together.

Under the mercy.




sexaholic, sex addiction, abstinance, emotions, desire, lust

What is an addiction

I guess the first thing that I should write about is to tell you what having a sexual addiction means. In some ways this is a very hard thing to explain as most people don't understand this specific addiction, it makes them uncomfortable or they think that sex addicts are all child molesters.

The reality of sex addiction centers on behaviors related to lust and "acting out" in some way or ways very compulsively. This can be very 'innocent' such as being triggered to masturbate by the lingerie ads in the newspaper or more dangerous behaviors like trolling the streets for anonymous sexual encounters.

Their is a search for ever increasing highs, searching for the connection that will make you whole, the ultimate high. However, nothing fits the bill and the addict begins to deal with stress with fantasy and masturbation.

Becoming a disconnected love cripple is the next step on the journey. No longer are things sexual part of intimacy but they are merely a way to take from others. Intimacy becomes a long forgotten thing and lust is a way of living. Many times it is a double life that is hidden from those that appear to be close to us.

One thing that many people in twelve step programs will be familiar with is cross-addiction. The alcoholic can begin to turn to drugs or food for release as an outlet in place of or with their addiction to drugs or alcohol. In my journey to recovery with sex addiction I have found a pattern of sober alcoholics with periods of recovery that end up having to come back and work the twelve steps again as they find out that a more root addiction for them is sexaholism.

I think that part of this has to do with people being sexaholics, not realizing it, not finding meaning in their relatonships and then hitting the bars, drinking to spice things up on a night out and using alcohol to deal with the disconnect they feel from their spouse.

Sexaholics are all around us in this culture. Most people don't realize they are one. They are not just the perverts that molest children. They are people who have affairs, watch pornography, go to strip clubs, flirt inappropriately at work, stare at people at the swimming pool, or just fantasize in their mind and wish for some type of sexual connection that will make them whole.


If you have ever wondered if you might be a sex addict or don't know feel at peace with your sexuality, considering answering these questions for yourself.


Under the Mercy.