When the work gets hard. . .

. . .I have to remember to keep working it. At times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, screw it all. That is weakness talking, that is the temptation of addiction. Go for the easy way and the instant gratification. Bypass the real connection.

I have to remember to keep working the program, the real connection is not something I can get quick and it is worth all the sacrifice and then some. It is the pearl of great price. At times it seems so far away and the addiction wants its fix, so we surrender and keep moving on. We move on because we are worth it and those we connect in reality and not fantasy are worth it. We are worth the real connection.

Under the Mercy,
MS

The Born Serenity (The Bourne Supremacy)

I have been reading the Bourne series by Robert Ludlum. You can't watch the movies to really understand this person. The 2nd movie in the series bares almost no resemblance to the 2nd book in the series and I mean almost none whatsoever.

The interesting thing about the series of books is basically you have a person who is compelled to do certain things but doesn't know why and he is looking for answers, peace and serenity in his life. It turns out he has servearl different personas. They each have a different way of acting and a different reality.

Bourne is appealing as he is a man of action that takes risks and succeeds. Delta, behind Bourne and still created is ruthless, vindictive, scary and interested in only what he wants. Webb, the man behind it all is a man of serenity. He is a man that would rather react and think, not to be in control. In some ways this is how an addict functions, seperating parts of himself. I am still learning how to be an all in one deal. Not to say addicts have multiple personalities but they do have different ways of coping. It is amazing, and has really given me pause to reflect inside myself and how I behave.

The hardest thing

I suffer from WCSS (Worst Case Scenario Syndrome) and it makes my addiction harder to deal with at times. If I am a forest I don't want to ignore the whole forest to deal with one tree (my addiction is a whole section) but I don't want to give lip service to that tree either and pass it by. If I need to prune it or chop it down, I need to do that. However, then I get into studying that tree and worry about neglecting the forest.

I know its THE lower power (that phrase just came to me) trying to keep me from doing what I am supposed to do. I am working on going to a counselor but I keep beating myself up with the what-ifs. I finally jumped passed them and am trying to line up my schedule and his. It feels much better now that I have made the jump and I am doing the work.

I will have to blog more on this idea of a lower power. Right now I need to focus on my higher power more. I can't want to control everything so that my life is easier. I need to stop fighting the Roman Guards that are trying to hand me the cross so that my life is easier. So, today again, I work to carry my cross. Even with a smile, it is a joy to carry and hell to fight.

God, grant me the serenity. . . .

Say a prayer for the lost out their and skip the Super Bowl, go to a meeting.

One of those days

Do you ever have one of those days where no matter how much you try to do what is right you just can't pull it off? Bad start to the day, lack of surrender, I do surrender but feel like I am getting picked at (doesn't matter if I am or not, I have to surrender). I surrender and try to do what is right (or what I thought was the right thing to do) but I didn't surrender my doing what I thought was right.....it turned out to be what was wrong. It is one of those days. God, grant me the serenity. . .

Thoughts and good sites

So, today I found a good starting place and resource sight, This is War. If it has happened to you, meaning something bad, they probably have a link here. They have an entire page devoted to Sex Addiction. I will say that it does include links to some of the 12-step groups I don't entirely agree with but I will also say that you are only as addicted as you are willing to admit. What I am really saying is that I can't make you give it up until you realize that certain behaviors are a problem.

If you are considering working on the Twelve Steps, I have found some worksheets here. Just change Alcohol to whatever your addiction is.